Many have tried to explain him; none have succeeded completely. He’s a Type A personality; workaholic; genius; lunatic; devoted family man; tyrant; visionary; dreamer; success. He is — as Sir Winston Churchill famously said about an entire country (Russia) — “a riddle, wrapped in a mystery, inside an enigma.”

He is, of course, Elon Musk. So handsome. So brilliant. So enigmatic. So rich and powerful.

“So what?” Well, for one thing, so he can do just about anything he may dream up in his wildest fantasies . . . and some of them have been pretty wild. Yet he manages to accomplish most of them, or at least come close. Think about Tesla. And SpaceX. And taking over Twitter, firing 80% of its employees, changing the name to “X,” and . . . well, not every undertaking can be a roaring success, even for him.

Now he’s started Neuralink, which involves some sort of AI chip to be implanted in the brain so that our thoughts will be able to control such things as computers and prosthetic limbs. The goal sounds worthy, especially if you’re an amputee. But from my pessimistic point of view, I’m seeing too many opportunities for misuse by evil Dr. Frankensteins (or is that Drs. Frankenstein?) . . . Sorry . . . grammar is my life.

And there’s the one project that must surely be his favorite, in view of his lifelong fascination with flight and space travel: SpaceX — his plan to colonize Mars, working in concert with NASA. I’m sure I won’t live long enough to see that one become reality . . . and I’m not at all certain I want to!

But he must surely be more than a little annoyed at NASA’s current mission: an unmanned Vulcan Centaur rocket, on its way to the moon, as the result of a joint venture with Boeing and Lockheed Martin. And I see no mention of Elon Musk, SpaceX, or anyone associated with him being involved in any way. Surely, that must be an oversight. But no . . . the rocket, nicknamed “Peregrine” after the falcon that is the fastest-flying bird in the world, was developed by a company called Astrobotic Technology under a contract with NASA. And Elon Musk is not associated with Astrobotic . . . except that in 2011, SpaceX did enter into a contract to develop with Astrobotic a Falcon 9 launch of a lunar North Pole mission. However, the launch never happened, so that doesn’t count. But it sounds awfully similar.

Anyway, this current NASA/Astrobotic mission seems as though it would have been tailor-made for Musk and his mighty mental meanderings . . . especially in view of the rather odd assortment of “baggage” being carried moonward, which would certainly appeal to his unconventional way of thinking. But he’s been left out in the cold, for whatever reason, most likely thinking that he could have done a better job than those Astrobotic people.

*. *. *

But never mind Elon; I’m much more interested in the mission itself, and its very varied payload. There are, of course, several (actually, five) of NASA’s science experiments aboard . . . for which NASA paid Astrobotic an astronomical (pun intended) $108 million toward development of their metallic space bird. And there are fifteen more items from a variety of customers, including “additional science payloads from nations such as Mexico,” and “a robotics experiment from a private UK-based company and trinkets or mementos that the German shipping company DHL put together.” [Jackie Wattles, CNN, Jan. 8, 2024.]

Only one item, however, really caught my attention. Assuming that you will also see the significance of this forward-looking service to humanity, as well as the legitimacy of the Navajo Nation’s issue with it, I will quote the entire paragraph (again from the CNN article):

“Peregrine is also carrying human remains on behalf of two commercial space burial companies — Elysium Space and Celestis — a move that’s sparked opposition from Navajo Nation, the largest group of native Americans in the United States. The group contends that allowing the remains to touch down on the lunar surface would be an affront to many indigenous cultures, which regard the moon as sacred. Celestis offers to carry ashes to the moon for prices starting at more than $10,000, according to the company’s website.”

Actually, considering the cost of the average traditional funeral today, that price doesn’t sound so bad — especially since it includes some rather hefty transportation fees. And you don’t have to deal with choosing an appropriate burial plot, coffin, flowers, or an outfit for the dearly departed to wear on the journey to the hereafter. I’m assuming your choice of space burial company will be a one-stop shop that will provide a lovely urn and a private cubicle in a luxury columbarium (not to be confused with a condominium) in a choice neighborhood on the moon.

I also assume someone will have figured out the whole gravity issue. But that’s not my problem — let my family and friends worry about it when they come to pay their respects every year on the anniversary of my demise.

Just beam me up when the time comes, Scotty.

*. *. *

Update: “US Moon mission has no chance of soft lunar landing.” [BBC, Science & Environment, Jan. 9, 2024.]

Oh-oh! That was the headline of a report by Astrobotic telling the world that the Peregrine lunar lander has sustained a fuel leak. At 17:00 GMT (12:00 noon EST) on Tuesday, it was expected to run out of fuel in about 40 hours.

According to the report, “Peregrine ran into trouble almost as soon as it came off the top of its launch rocket on Monday. ‘Given the propellant leak, there is, unfortunately, no chance of a soft landing on the Moon,’ Astrobotic said in a statement posted on X, formerly Twitter.”

Ah, the irony! That Elon Musk’s social media platform, now known simply as X, should have been the vehicle for the report of a failure that might have been prevented — though, of course, we’ll never know for sure — if Musk’s other company, SpaceX, had been involved in the project from the get-go. Don’t gloat, Elon . . . it’s not gentlemanly.

Just sayin’ . . .

Brendochka
1/10/24

Just a further word about Ms. Mouse. (I’m making the rash, and undoubtedly controversial, assumption that a female would be more likely to straighten up the house every night. If I’m mistaken, I apologize to all the neat-freak males out there.)

Experts are of the opinion that she . . . all right, or he . . . was building a nest, as rodents are inclined to do. Makes sense to me. I just thought you might enjoy this picture of the little gal . . . or fellow . . . whatever.

TTFN,
Brendochka
1/9/24

I managed to find a few notable headlines from an otherwise quiet first weekend of 2024:

1) That missing part that blew out the door of the Alaska Airlines Boeing 737, forcing it to make an emergency landing in Portland, Oregon on Friday, has been found in the yard of “a teacher called Bob.” [BBC News, Jan. 7, 2024.] Glad it didn’t fly through a window of Bob’s house (or anyone else’s). Bob sounds like a modest guy who doesn’t seek publicity; but I do hope the Boeing folks, or the people at Alaska Airlines, find a way to show their appreciation. After all, he could simply have thrown that piece of junk into the trash. Good job, Bob from Portland . . . whoever you are.

So the next time you book a flight and you’re asked if you’d accept the “honor” of being seated next to the emergency exit . . . Yeah, you might think very carefully before you answer.

*. *. *

2) Noted actress Jodie Foster, now a lovely aged 61, finds a lot of Gen-Z actors “really annoying” because of their lack of any sort of work ethic. Well, imagine that — 20-somethings being annoying. Who woulda thunk it?

*. *. *

3) “Hundreds of lizards seized in Australia police bust.” [Hannah Ritchie, BBC News, Jan. 7, 2024.] Contrary to the wording of the headline, the lizards were not read their rights and hauled off to jail. Rather, police in Sydney, Australia have broken up a criminal syndicate planning to export — illegally — hundreds of native reptiles from Australia to Hong Kong. The creepy-crawlies, which included 257 lizards and three snakes, apparently had a market value of A$1.2 Million (US$805,000), and are much sought-after in Hong Kong, which does a huge trade in all sorts of exotic animals. So, in addition to the whole “we-now-belong-to-China” thing, I have yet another reason not to travel to Hong Kong: not a big fan of waking up to find someone’s alligator bag mysteriously inching across the foot of my bed. But happily, the contraband critters have now been treated for some health issues apparently resulting from neglect while in captivity, and returned to the wild where they may slither back into the primal ooze from which they originated and live happily into the third millennium.

*. *. *

4) And finally, on a more adorable note (unless you’re like my relative who once jumped up onto the dining room table when told there was a little field mouse in the house):

A postman and wildlife photographer in one of those unpronounceable locations in Wales, one Rodney Holbrook, was puzzled when he began noticing each day that things he had left lying around on his workbench the night before had mysteriously been tidied up. So he set up a night vision camera, and what he discovered in the morning was just about the cutest thing I’ve ever seen: a mouse, apparently living with a severe case of OCD, picking up one item at a time and placing it in a box that was sitting on the workbench . . . just scurrying tirelessly back and forth, back and forth, until the job was done. Perhaps it was influenced by too many viewings of the cartoon version of Cinderella? I don’t know the answer, but I wouldn’t mind finding a housekeeper with that kind of energy. (Check out the video on the link below.)

https://www.bbc.co.uk/news/uk-wales-67902966

*. *. *

And that, good readers, is my brief report for today. I wish every day could be as devoid of bad news . . . but I’m sure there will be plenty of that tomorrow.

Just sayin’ . . .

Brendochka
1/9/24

As soon as I saw Pyotr Kazlov’s headline in The Moscow Times (Oct. 4, 2023) . . .

“Kremlin Readying Putin’s 2024 Campaign Reveal at Economic Expo”

. . . I knew — because I had been there in 1988 — exactly what “Economic Expo” he meant: VDNKh, the acronym for Vystavka dostizheniy narodnogo khozyaystva — Exhibition of Achievements of the National Economy — a site within the Ostankino region on the outer limits of the City of Moscow. Originally named “City of Exhibitions,” it was projected to be opened in 1937. Due to numerous delays, however, it was only opened to the public in October of 1939. In 1941, it was closed for the duration of World War II, but was again delayed and not reopened until 1954, still as a primarily agricultural exhibition.

In 1959, it received its second name of “Exhibition of Achievements of the National Economy,” and by 1989, it housed 82 pavilions within an exhibition area of 700,000 square meters — some 173 acres. Each pavilion — including the 1939 “regions” — was dedicated to a particular industry or field: Engineering, Space, Industrial, Atomic Energy, etc. Each year during Soviet times, VDNKh hosted national and international exhibitions, as well as conferences, seminars and meetings of scientists and industry professionals.

In 1992, during Boris Yeltsin’s presidency, it became known as the “All-Russian Exhibition Center” (Russian acronym: VVTs), which lasted until 2014, when Vladimir Putin returned it to its Soviet-era identity of VDNKh — the name which remains in place to this day. It now occupies 2,375,000 square meters, or nearly 600 acres, of choice Moscow real estate.

*. *. *

And this massive homage to Soviet grandeur and achievement is where Vladimir Putin chose to make the official announcement of his intention to “campaign” for an unprecedented fifth term as president. I put “campaign” in quotes because the whole world knows he’s a shoo-in. It’s all theater . . . a performance meticulously choreographed to show the world what a free and democratic nation Russia has become.

(It’s okay to laugh here . . . I’ll wait.)

*. *. *

But everything Putin does has special significance to him . . . although frequently not obvious to us common folk. And that includes his choice of location for his reveal party. On the surface, VDNKh seems a lovely site, where large crowds can gather to celebrate the occasion, take in a few of the exhibitions, and perhaps have a little lunch — a sort of Russian “Trump Centre.” But there are other wide open spaces nearer the center of the city, more convenient to the masses, like Red Square; VDNKh is a substantial trek from the Kremlin, even by Metro.

But look at VDNKh’s historic significance. Built during Josef Stalin’s reign; now marking 85 years of incomparable achievements of “our glorious motherland”; and even being returned to its original Soviet-era name at the behest of Vladimir Putin himself . . . well, what better backdrop for the man who strives to be Stalin’s rightful heir and return his country and its people to their deserved, prominent position as the world’s foremost evildoers? It’s a perfect choice.

I can already hear the immortal strains of The Internationale ringing in my ears.

Just sayin’ . . .

Brendochka
1/8/24

Your weekly reminder, lest we forget.

Their power resides in their words . . .

Please . . . bring them home!

Brendochka
1/8/24

Remember “Where’s Waldo?” That was for fun. But “Where’s Lloyd Austin?” Not so funny. In fact, not funny at all.

Because how do you lose track of your Secretary of Defense for days at a time, when even his deputy has no idea where he is despite having to take over his duties? And what would you do if there were a military emergency and you couldn’t find him? Did his wife know where he was? How — and why — did he convince her to keep her mouth shut? Was his life at risk during that time?

Holy f*ckin’ mackerel!

Okay, so we now know he was in the hospital, and he appears to be back at his desk and feeling fine. And the whole world doesn’t need to hear all the personal details. But it seems to me that, well, at least the President is entitled to some inkling of what’s going on with his Cabinet members. I mean . . . come on, now, people!

What is this . . . Russia??????

No, it is not. But we do have laws, rules, regulations, prescribed procedures . . . and a chain of command. As a military man, Secretary Austin should be the first to realize the importance of that. And accountability. He is accountable to his boss — the President — and to the American people. I, for one, do not need to know why he was in the hospital . . . though, of course, I wish him well. But Joe Biden should know. Hell, common courtesy alone . . .

Just sayin’ . . .

Brendochka
1/7/24

Tear down the wall! Remove the razor wire! Give the border patrol a well-deserved holiday! It’s time to celebrate, because America’s immigration problems have been solved at last . . . and by none other than Vladimir Putin. The man, as it turns out, is a genius.

Over the New Year’s holiday, some 3,000 or more migrants — most from the Central Asian “Stans” (Kazakhstan, Uzbekistan, etc.) — were rounded up and arrested for alleged violations of Russia’s immigration laws.

In St. Petersburg alone, “Russian security forces hit the streets . . . on New Year’s Eve with the goal of hunting down migrants, rounding up as many of them as possible, and sending them off to fill the ranks of Moscow’s military in Ukraine.” [Allison Quinn, The Daily Beast, Jan. 3, 2024.] [Emphasis is mine.]

The plan, which had been in the works for several months, involved a raid on neighborhoods known to house the majority of the Central Asian migrants. An unnamed government source told Novaya Gazeta Europe:

“They have large families, and therefore the most preferred option is living in dorms and multi-room communal apartments [in certain areas of the city]. . . . It was in these areas that they decided to conduct mass raids.”

Brilliant! Positively brilliant! In one master stroke, Putin not only got the immigrants off the streets; he also solved his military manpower problem. Why recruit so many good Russian boys when there are all these foreigners just hanging around, needing jobs?

*. *. *

Here in the U.S., we could adapt Putin’s model to our own needs. We might start with the busiest border crossings — Mexico comes immediately to mind, of course — where there are thousands already congregated and ripe for the picking. Just usher them into the country and herd them into trucks that would take them directly — do not pass Go, do not collect $200 — to Jail.

Then we tackle the problem of those who are already living here. Because immigrants quite understandably tend to create their own neighborhoods along ethnic lines, it would be easy enough to hit those areas in every major city in the U.S.: New York, Los Angeles, Chicago, Miami, Washington . . . you get the idea.

But if you’re thinking they would be processed to weed out the illegals for deportation back to their home countries, you’re wrong; that would be a terrible waste of manpower. No, no, no. We use the Russian model: mobilization. Who cares about status? Legal, schmegal. They’re all useful somewhere.

Our armed forces are woefully short of cannon fodder . . . er, enlistees. (Sorry about that.) So, we just take all the strong, healthy young men and women — say, ages 16-40 — and put them in uniform, give them rifles and a bit of training, and make soldiers out of them, to be deployed wherever they’re needed. Any extras could be put to work on our aging infrastructure — highways, bridges, dams, etc.

The next group — ages from around 41 to 65 — we divide between “educated” and “uneducated” categories. The educated group — those who speak decent English — can be used to cover jobs that are hard to fill with Americans because they don’t pay a living wage: clerks in 7-11 or McDonald’s, grocery baggers, security guards, and so on. The uneducated get the menial jobs that Americans turn their noses up at. (“Up at which Americans turn their noses”? Grammar can be such a pain in the ass.) Anyway, those are the jobs like trash collectors, street sweepers, office building cleaners, sewer maintenance workers. What did they expect when they came here — executive positions? Education? Free housing and medical care? Hell, our own people don’t get those things without paying through the nose. What are we running here . . . a charity?

Now for the really tricky categories: the elderly/infirm, and the children. There’s likely to be some controversy here, but tough jobs require tough decisions, and it’s got to be done. First, the elderly and infirm. They’re basically expendable, well past their “use by” dates. Agreed? Okay. So here’s what I’m wondering: Are there still societies that set their old folks adrift on rafts and let nature take its course? That sounds feasible, doesn’t it? “Illegal,” you say? “Cruel?” “Inhumane?” Well, Social Security can’t afford to support them — it’s not doing such a good job with our own old folks. So if you can come up with a better plan, let me know. In the meantime, we can put some of these younger, uneducated migrants to work building the rafts.

But the kids . . . well, they’re the future of any society. So they get locked up . . . er, housed . . . in boarding schools where they’ll be drilled day after day, year after year, in how to be good little immigrants so they can look forward to one day becoming eligible for the military draft, to be sent off to somewhere as yet unknown, to fight someone as yet unidentified, for some reason not yet conceived.

*. *. *

So how does all of this solve our future immigration problems? Well, the same way it solves Russia’s, of course. Because if you were from somewhere else — anywhere else — and you knew that this was now the extent of the American dream . . . would you want to come here? Quite simply, they’ll stop applying, and we won’t have any more foreigners coming “from prisons, from mental institutions — from all over the world . . . poisoning the blood of our country.” (Donald Trump said that, so it must be true . . . right?) [NBC News, Dec. 17, 2023.]

Problem solved.

Just sayin’ . . .
Brendochka
1/7/24

One of Wednesday’s (1/3/24) headlines from The Associated Press (AP) read:

“Russia and Ukraine exchange hundreds of prisoners of war in biggest release so far.”

Great news! Wonderful! Exciting! In a single exchange, 230 Ukrainian prisoners of war have been reunited with their families, and 248 Russian servicemen have returned home to Russia — proof that diplomacy can work.

*. *. *

So why can’t Russia do as much for two Americans still being held on specious charges in Russian hellhole prisons?

Evan Gershkovich and Paul Whelan are HOSTAGES to some nefarious plan of Vladimir Putin’s, despite the condemnation of the entire free world. What will it take? When will these two innocent men be returned to their families?

I’m asking YOU, Mr. Putin . . . and the world is waiting for your answer.

Brendochka
1/6/24

There are a lot of people who seldom read beyond the headlines, either because of lack of time, lack of interest, or even a belief that they can glean the facts from just those few words. And sometimes that belief is correct . . . but not often. Because a headline can be — whether intentionally or not — misleading. And sometimes they’re just wrong. Case in point: Most of us are not old enough to remember this one from 1948, though it is well preserved in the annals of U.S. history:

No, there never was a President Thomas E. Dewey. In 1948, the incumbent, Harry S. Truman — who had stepped up to the job when FDR passed away — iwas re-elected and served until 1952, when he was succeeded by Dwight D. Eisenhower. But the odds, and the polls, had been so strongly in Dewey’s favor that the newspapers were comfortable with printing the aticipated “results” ahead of time. Lesson learned.

But headlines can be very helpful in guiding us to the articles that most interest us, and in giving us a sense of what’s happening in the world today. Unfortunately, what’s happening in the world isn’t always what we’d like to hear. And, also unfortunately, the article doesn’t always match the headline. But let’s look at some examples from just the first few days of this new year.

*. *. *

First Headline: “Trump, potential VP pick and former actress swarm Iowa ahead of caucuses.” [CBS News, Jan. 4, 2024.] I try to avoid the subject of U.S. politics as much as possible, but this one caught my eye because of the mention of a potential VP choice and a “former actress.” (Also, I’m not sure three people really constitute a “swarm,” but I’ll chalk that up to the Trump team’s well-known preference for gross exaggeration.) So I opened the article and found that, besides his son Eric, Trump had converged on Iowa with South Dakota governor Kristi Noem and . . . oh, my God, no! . . . say it isn’t . . . it can’t be . . . but it is! It’s Roseanne Barr!! Loud, coarse, insulting, vulgar, every-other-word-out-of-her-mouth-is-an-obscenity, Roseanne Barr.

Ordinarily, I would have some sort of comment here, but I am — to use my favorite British-ism — gobsmacked. Just when you think Trump can’t possibly sink any lower . . . Okay, I’m edging preciously close to a comment here, and I really don’t want to do that. But . . . Oh! My! God!

Bottom line: There really is none. We’ve already hit bottom.

*. *. *

Second Headline: “Will Putin agree to a Ukraine ceasefire in 2024?” [Harriet Marsden, The Week UK, Jan. 3, 2024.] Here we have a question that just compels you to read further for an answer — if you’re interested, that is. And who isn’t interested in the war in Ukraine, right? Plus . . . great picture!

So I started reading. First was a report of the most recent carnage in Kyiv and other parts of Ukraine, quoting Financial Times, BBC News, and President Volodymyr Zelensky. Then a month-old quote from the New York Times: “[Putin is] buoyed by Ukraine’s failed counteroffensive and flagging Western support. . . . [But] in a recent push of back-channel diplomacy . . . [he] has been sending a different message. He is ready to make a deal.” Then there was mention of undated comments to the New York Times by two unnamed senior Russian officials to the effect that Putin had been “signalling” that he was “open to a ceasefire that freezes the fighting along the current lines, far short of his ambitions to dominate Ukraine.”

Then it continues with assurances that Putin intends to pursue his “special military operation” until his goals are met, countered by reports of a survey that “revealed that those who favour peace far outnumber pro-war voices.” [Euronews, Dec. 2023 – no exact date.] And “a grass-roots movement has been ‘gaining momentum’ recently.” [The Guardian, undated.]

And so it goes: he needs a ceasefire; he won’t cede any territory; but this is an opportune moment; but maybe he should wait until Trump is elected; but the Russian election is coming up in a couple of months . . .

Bottom line: That enticing question in the headline that drew me into the article in the first place remains unanswered. In fact, I’m more confused now than ever. But the art was good.

*. *. *

Third Headline: “Iran Explosions.” As of 6:26 a.m. EST, Thursday, Jan. 4, 2024, CNN reported that “Iran has vowed revenge on Israel after blaming the country for twin blasts that killed dozens Wednesday in the Iranian city of Kerman.” My reaction: “Oh, that’s bad! That’s really bad!”

At 11:49 a.m. EST, same day, CNN issued an urgent update:

“News Alert: ISIS claims responsibility for deadliest attack in Iran since 1979 revolution.”

My reaction: “Still really bad, but at least it was ‘just’ another one of those internal religious things, and not Israel going bonkers.”

Bottom line: While both CNN reports were accurate as of the time they were issued, it’s always best for the reader to wait for the full report. And even the second one pointed out that the ISIS claim of responsibility hadn’t yet been positively confirmed. So you probably shouldn’t take every news flash at face value.

*. *. *

Fourth (and final) Headline: “Here’s why MAGA politicians are deflecting hard & getting VERY NERVOUS about that Epstein List.” [Pride, Jan. 3, 2024.]

You know what? I’m going to let you search that one out for yourselves. It’s just way too tempting . . .

Just sayin’ . . .

Brendochka
1/5/24

Most of us, during that week between Christmas and New Year’s when we feel as though we’re in limbo waiting for the next big thing to happen, might think about making yet another list of New Year’s Resolutions in an attempt to improve our lives following the last twelve-month shit-storm. And most of us immediately dismiss the thought. But those who actually do make a list generally recycle the same prosaic, though well-intentioned, promises: to lose weight, to economize, to clean out all the closets, to get involved in some charity work. And by the end of January, the list has been lost and the demands of everyday life have drained us of every last bit of energy that would have been needed to keep those promises.

But not this guy.

Oh, no . . . not him. We already know he’s physically fit because he’s an exercise nut, and he has people who prepare his healthy food for him; he’s filthy stinkin’ rich so he doesn’t need to economize; and as for charity work . . . well, excuse me while I ROFLMAO. Because when, in his entire miserable, self-centered, cruel, vicious, narcissistic, murderous, unsympathetic, unempathetic, evil life has he ever given a moment’s thought to anyone other than himself? Charity?? Pshaw!

So what’s left for him to resolve? Actually, plenty. Because he wants to own the world, and that takes planning. So here’s how I envision King Vlad dictating his list of New Year’s Resolutions for 2024:

First: I’ll start with those two Asian guys, Xi and Kim, he says. They’re getting entirely too big for their britches — especially that chubby Kim, ha-ha! I’ll have to have someone arrange for them to fall out of a couple of windows, or off that Great Wall, or maybe an airplane. Then what? North Korea’s kind of a wasteland, so I can just let that die a natural death. But China has a huge economy, lots of advanced technology, and millions of potential conscripts for my army. That’s a keeper, for sure.

Second: Ukraine needs to be wrapped up once and for all . . . but on my terms, of course. With all those millions of little Chinese guys in my army, I’m sure that won’t be a problem. We’ll just overrun Zelensky and those other Jewish Nazis. Then it’s on to Moldova, Georgia, Poland, the Baltics . . . What fun!

Third: Closer to home, there are still a bunch of smart-assed oligarchs that need to be taken down a few pegs. So I resolve to nationalize all of their “private” companies, confiscate their other assets, charge them all with corruption or naziism or whatever, and ship them off to one of those Siberian country club prisons.

Fourth: Which reminds me . . . I need to add another ten years or so to the sentences of those trouble-makers Navalny and Kara-Murza. They’re never gonna see the outside of a prison camp again, I promise you that. Also need to dangle the American hostages, Whelan and that Jew . . . what’s his name? . . . yeah, Gershkovich . . . for an exchange, and see who I can get the Americans to send back. They’re so stupid, giving us Viktor Bout for the girl basketball player. Idiots!

Fifth: And speaking of those LGBTQ people . . . I miss the good old days before the internet and social media, when we could keep everything secret and pretend they didn’t exist in our glorious country. But it’s too late for that, so we’ll just have to round them all up and send them off to an island, someplace where they’ll just die out naturally. Oh, I know! One of the Kuril Islands. They’re not good for much else anyway. And if Japan still wants them, they can have them — but they have to take all the gay people with them, and agree never to release them.

Sixth: Ukraine again. Resolve to step up the bombardments and missile attacks. There are still a few hospitals and apartment buildings left standing. I already announced I wouldn’t stop until I’ve reached my goal. And I always keep my word.

Seventh: As for the Middle East, I must remember to increase arms shipments to Hamas, Hezbollah, ISIS, and the others. Israel is really getting on my nerves. Who knew those smart-ass Jewish intellectuals could fight like that?

Eighth: Belarus . . . what to do about Belarus? That Lukashenko clown is getting too ambitious for his own good, wants a say in how things are run. Wonder what’s the tallest building in Minsk . . .

Ninth: Finland. Sending all those Africans and Arabs begging for asylum at our border with that giant popsicle country has been a major annoyance to the Finns, but not as effective as I’d hoped; they just keep blasting “Finlandia” at us across the border. (That Sibelius was no Tchaikovsky — maybe we should try the “1812 Overture,” cannons and all.) No, we need something to really weaken them so they come begging us to take them back. Maybe kill off their herring supply? . . .

Tenth: And of course, there’s the friggin’ United States. So much to do there: get Trump elected, first of all. But if they actually convict him of something, then who? Maybe DeSantis? He’d be easier to manipulate than Trump, but doesn’t have the big following. Anyway, after the election, get them to leave NATO, put the razor wire back up on the Mexican border, fire up those MAGA idiots. And I must get a few more of our people inside the CIA, FBI, NSA, Fox News . . . So many vulnerabilities; so little time.

Eleventh: Must resolve to clean out my own house too — and I don’t mean the closets. Start with Lavrov, Peskov, Patrushev, Medvedev. They’ve been pretty useful, but like all of their predecessors, they’ve gotten to the point where they know too much and think they’re indispensable. Either they fall into line, or they’re gone. Must work on replacements. If only Dzerzhinsky were actually still alive . . .

*. *. *

Well, now, that’s a pretty good start; should take me through March or April, at least. Have I forgotten anyone? Maybe Switzerland?

Just sayin’ . . .

Brendochka
1/4/24