No, I am not a brilliant family counselor — I’m not a brilliant anything. I can’t colonize Mars; I can’t solve the Middle East crisis or end the war in Ukraine. And I can’t penetrate the tangled web that Charles and Camilla and William and Catherine and Harry and . . . what’s-her-name . . . you know, the overbearing American interloper . . . oh yeah, Meghan . . . have woven for themselves. But I think I can help to resolve the all-encompassing, obsessive, absolutely compulsive need that so many of us common folks seem to harbor when it comes to butting into the personal lives of the Royals (and former Royals) of the United Kingdom.

Quite simply, it’s none of our business.

WHAT??!!! None of our business??!!!

You heard me. Think about it. Would you want the whole world knowing every sordid little detail of your family’s innermost secrets? Would you want it all splashed in the headlines day after day after day? Not likely — and I’m betting that your family secrets aren’t half as titillating as theirs.

But that — right there — is the heart of the problem: the headlines. The media just won’t leave it alone.

Well, that’s not entirely fair either, really. First, because the Royals are among the most famous people in the world. And because Harry and . . . what’s her name again? . . . oh yeah, Meghan . . . have continued to insist that they want to live quiet, normal, private lives and to protect their children from the insanity of the “Firm,” while simultaneously reinventing themselves as the worst kind of intrusive, invasive, obnoxious publicity hounds imaginable.

And whiny. My God, are they ever going to stop whining?!!

All right, before you start jumping all over me, that’s just one side of the story. Maybe they really were mistreated at the Palace. Maybe they were just “the spare” and “that American actress.” Maybe life was too restrictive for an independent young woman. But didn’t she know that before she married him? In any event, they were unhappy and they decided to take action, which was their absolute right as adult human beings. So they ran away from home.

They weren’t exactly penniless, and they landed comfortably in a nice little house in California, where they proceeded to write a first book, give TV interviews, start businesses and media sites . . . all on the basis of the royal positions they claimed to hate so much. And instead of settling in and enjoying their new-found independence (not to mention their prosperity), they yammered, and shouted, and screeched about how mean Harry’s family was for taking away the titles he said he never wanted, the royal homes they had already moved out of . . . and the allowances that went with all of that.

The little boy had left his toys behind, and now he wanted them back. But he didn’t want to do anything to earn them. And the little girl who thought she should have been a princess was especially upset, because no one was treating her like one.

*. *. *

We all know the rest of the story — the part that has been made public, at least: the charges and counter-charges of insults, lies, and family feuds. And there has to be so much more that we don’t know . . . and shouldn’t. It is, after all, a family matter, although a family constantly in the public eye.

What does matter to us, though, is the way it’s being handled.

The “Firm,” or the “Crown,” or whatever you choose to call it, has always been exceedingly close-mouthed about personal matters, which is probably smart, given the public’s insatiable curiosity and tendency toward nasty comments. But Harry and . . . dammit, what is her name? . . . Maggie? Muggles? No, it’s Meghan, right? Well, they just can’t stop scratching their fingernails down the royal blackboard, making the family shiver with a pseudo-royal visit to Nigeria and talk of a second tell-all book.

I guess the bottom line is this: If they want so badly to be non-royal, ordinary (but upper-income-level) civilians, then they should just shut up and be that. Stay home, run your business ventures, and enjoy your children before you turn around and find they’ve grown up and still aren’t sure who they really are.

And as for us, the readers who inhale all of the crap — both favorable and “un” — that’s written about them every single day . . . well, if we’re sick of it, we should just stop clicking on all the articles. It’s our own fault for being such incurable voyeurs.

Problem solved.

Just sayin’ . . .

Brendochka
5/24/24