No, I’m not talking about the one coming up in the U.S. in November . . . although, considering the likely outcome of the party conventions that haven’t even been held yet, it might not be a bad thing if no one showed up. Not bad at all.

But I try to avoid discussions of domestic politics. Quite frankly, I don’t need the drama — and certainly not the anger — that almost inevitably results when certain key words are mentioned: words such as “republican,” “democrat,” “liberal,” “conservative,” “Trump,” “whacko,” “treason” . . . Oh, crap! See what I mean?

Full stop. U-turn. Deep breath.

Okay, good.

*. *. *

So what election am I talking about? Why, the one they just held over the course of three days in the Wonderful Land of Oz, more commonly known as Russia. The one that was a total waste of everyone’s time and money because there really was only one possible outcome. Because that’s what happens when there’s only one viable candidate, who has already disqualified, arrested, or bumped off any possible competition. It’s what happens when you live in an autocracy . . . a dictatorship . . . an Evil Empire.

When you live in the Russia of 2024 A.D.: Vladimir Putin’s Russia.

The world is all too familiar with the methods of this man who has sat in the Kremlin for more than two decades, plotting, scheming, manipulating every aspect of Russian governmental and civilian life, down to the most minute detail. Just take this month’s election as an example.

We already know how he eliminated all of his potential opponents. One — Boris Nadezhdin — campaigned hard and was able to gather more than the required number of signatures to his application for candidacy. But the Central Election Commission disqualified enough of those signatures — for specious, unproven reasons — to knock Nadezhdin off the ballot.

As for the dissidents who have gained a broad following in recent years, he simply charged them with newly made-up crimes and threw them into prison, or frightened them into exile. And one who would not be silenced, even from prison — Alexei Navalny — died mysteriously just four weeks before the election.

But even that wasn’t enough. Putin knew the election was a wrap. But his image had been tarnished by the opposition over the past few years, and he needed to polish it to a more respectable luster; he needed to be able to claim a victory by a massive majority. And there was the additional problem of a population drain over the past two years, when hundreds of thousands of citizens — mostly young men — fled the country to avoid the military draft. So he needed a plan to salvage his image.

I wondered, briefly, whether he might dare to take a page from Nikolai Gogol’s fictional masterpiece Dead Souls, wherein owners of serfs neglected to report those who died in order to continue claiming government subsidies. But no . . . even that wasn’t clever enough for Vladimir Putin. He went one better. He found a whole new source of living voters.

In Ukraine.

Yes, that Ukraine . . . the one that Putin himself invaded in February of 2022, in what he called a defensive “Special Military Operation.” The Ukraine that he has bombed, and shelled, and mined . . . whose people he has shot, tortured, raped, and kidnapped . . . whose civilian infrastructure he has demolished in every area he has managed to “defend.” That Ukraine.

Because in Putin’s demented, narcissistic mind, he is now ruler of those areas: Crimea, and parts of Luhansk, Donetsk, Zaporizhzhia and Kherson Oblasts. And the people still living in those regions are now Russian citizens . . . his subjects. They have been issued Russian passports. And so, they must vote.

And to make sure they vote for him, his enforcers are escorting people to the polling places, or carrying ballot boxes directly to their homes. There is no way to refuse.

And that, my friends, is how you win an election with a purported 87% share of the vote. If you live in Vladimir Putin’s Russia, that is.

*. *. *

Then I asked myself: What if they had held the election and no one showed up? Or not enough people to constitute a proper vote? What would they have done? Who would have become president? Would they have had to call for another, immediate vote? Or would Putin simply have declared himself the winner by default?

Yeah, probably that. But imagine the shock, and the confusion at first. Wouldn’t it have been fun to watch? And what about Putin’s legitimacy as president in the eyes of the rest of the world? As if he would care, or ever has. But still . . . it’s amusing to contemplate.

Now, about November 5th . . .

Just sayin’ . . .

Brendochka
3/19/24