There are all sorts of alphabet games, from “I spy with my little eye” to “A, my name is Alice” — games remembered from childhood when our amusements were simple . . . and free. No electronics needed.

But now I’ve found a new use for the alphabet game, during these days of misery following my dental surgery: killing time between doses of pain medication — especially that one I can’t take until 5:30 a.m., when I’ve been awake since 3:30. So it goes something like this:

“A” is for Agony: “De agony of de face.” That’s pretty self-explanatory.

“B” is for Bloody: Not any more, but it was pretty icky for a day there.

“C” is for Chew: Which is wish I could do, but not for a while yet.

“D” is for Dopey: From too much sleepus interruptus.

“E” is for Expensive: Which this whole thing has been. Very, very expensive. (See “I” for Insurance.)

“F” is for Fun: Which it most assuredly is NOT.

“G” is for Glad: That it’s going to be behind me one of these days. Soon, I hope.

“H” is for Heal: And for Hurry. Hurry up and Heal!

“I” is for Insurance: Don’t get me started. They approved the whole procedure at 80%, then at the last minute changed it to 50%. Crooks! Thieves! Charlatans! Bastards! Is that even legal? I’m looking into it.

“J” is for Judas: That would be the insurance company. Betrayers!

“K” is for Kill: What I’d like to do to the insurance company if it were even possible . . . and legal . . . and moral. Oh, well . . .

“L” is for Laugh: Because that’s what you do when the only alternative is to cry.

“M” is for Money: The insurance thing again. I really need to get past that.

“N” is for Novocaine: And thank God for it! What did people do back in the days before anesthesia, pain killers, and such? No wonder they died so young — it was preferable to some of the treatments they would have needed to keep them alive.

“O” is for Ouch: Post-surgical Ouch.

“P” is for Pretty: Which I most definitely am not at the moment. Will be again, I hope . . . one day. Maybe in my next life.

“Q” is for Question: Why did I start this in the first place?

“R” is for Roto-Rooter: Which is what dentists always remind me of.

“S” is for Sinus: Because that’s where the surgeon found an infection that had either gone from a tooth to the sinus cavity, or vice-versa; I don’t know which. And it really doesn’t matter. But that was an extra 15 minutes or so of additional groping around in my mouth, plus another week of antibiotics. Fun, fun, fun.

“T” is for T-bone steak: Just because I’m sick of liquids and yogurt and soup, oh my! I just want to chomp down on something (like the president of that *#$%&#* insurance company). Or a nice juicy steak, an ear of corn, or a Honey Crisp apple.

“U” is for “Up to here”: Which is the point to which I have had it.

“V” is for Vodka: There’s some in the freezer. Let me at it!

“W” is for Wodka: That’s Polish vodka.

“X” is for . . . uh . . . I’ll have to get back to you on that — they didn’t take any x-rays, and there’s no xylophone in this little melodrama. Maybe my X-rated message to the insurance company?

“Y” is for Yesterday: Which I am very thankful isn’t today.

. . . and, at long last . . .

“Z” is for Zzzzzzzz: Which is where I am headed now, hopefully to make it through the night without too much interruptus. Thanks for sticking with me to the bitter end, and be glad I didn’t use the Cyrillic alphabet, because it has 33 letters.

TTFN,
Brendochka
2/16/24