Tear down the wall! Remove the razor wire! Give the border patrol a well-deserved holiday! It’s time to celebrate, because America’s immigration problems have been solved at last . . . and by none other than Vladimir Putin. The man, as it turns out, is a genius.

Over the New Year’s holiday, some 3,000 or more migrants — most from the Central Asian “Stans” (Kazakhstan, Uzbekistan, etc.) — were rounded up and arrested for alleged violations of Russia’s immigration laws.

In St. Petersburg alone, “Russian security forces hit the streets . . . on New Year’s Eve with the goal of hunting down migrants, rounding up as many of them as possible, and sending them off to fill the ranks of Moscow’s military in Ukraine.” [Allison Quinn, The Daily Beast, Jan. 3, 2024.] [Emphasis is mine.]

The plan, which had been in the works for several months, involved a raid on neighborhoods known to house the majority of the Central Asian migrants. An unnamed government source told Novaya Gazeta Europe:

“They have large families, and therefore the most preferred option is living in dorms and multi-room communal apartments [in certain areas of the city]. . . . It was in these areas that they decided to conduct mass raids.”

Brilliant! Positively brilliant! In one master stroke, Putin not only got the immigrants off the streets; he also solved his military manpower problem. Why recruit so many good Russian boys when there are all these foreigners just hanging around, needing jobs?

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Here in the U.S., we could adapt Putin’s model to our own needs. We might start with the busiest border crossings — Mexico comes immediately to mind, of course — where there are thousands already congregated and ripe for the picking. Just usher them into the country and herd them into trucks that would take them directly — do not pass Go, do not collect $200 — to Jail.

Then we tackle the problem of those who are already living here. Because immigrants quite understandably tend to create their own neighborhoods along ethnic lines, it would be easy enough to hit those areas in every major city in the U.S.: New York, Los Angeles, Chicago, Miami, Washington . . . you get the idea.

But if you’re thinking they would be processed to weed out the illegals for deportation back to their home countries, you’re wrong; that would be a terrible waste of manpower. No, no, no. We use the Russian model: mobilization. Who cares about status? Legal, schmegal. They’re all useful somewhere.

Our armed forces are woefully short of cannon fodder . . . er, enlistees. (Sorry about that.) So, we just take all the strong, healthy young men and women — say, ages 16-40 — and put them in uniform, give them rifles and a bit of training, and make soldiers out of them, to be deployed wherever they’re needed. Any extras could be put to work on our aging infrastructure — highways, bridges, dams, etc.

The next group — ages from around 41 to 65 — we divide between “educated” and “uneducated” categories. The educated group — those who speak decent English — can be used to cover jobs that are hard to fill with Americans because they don’t pay a living wage: clerks in 7-11 or McDonald’s, grocery baggers, security guards, and so on. The uneducated get the menial jobs that Americans turn their noses up at. (“Up at which Americans turn their noses”? Grammar can be such a pain in the ass.) Anyway, those are the jobs like trash collectors, street sweepers, office building cleaners, sewer maintenance workers. What did they expect when they came here — executive positions? Education? Free housing and medical care? Hell, our own people don’t get those things without paying through the nose. What are we running here . . . a charity?

Now for the really tricky categories: the elderly/infirm, and the children. There’s likely to be some controversy here, but tough jobs require tough decisions, and it’s got to be done. First, the elderly and infirm. They’re basically expendable, well past their “use by” dates. Agreed? Okay. So here’s what I’m wondering: Are there still societies that set their old folks adrift on rafts and let nature take its course? That sounds feasible, doesn’t it? “Illegal,” you say? “Cruel?” “Inhumane?” Well, Social Security can’t afford to support them — it’s not doing such a good job with our own old folks. So if you can come up with a better plan, let me know. In the meantime, we can put some of these younger, uneducated migrants to work building the rafts.

But the kids . . . well, they’re the future of any society. So they get locked up . . . er, housed . . . in boarding schools where they’ll be drilled day after day, year after year, in how to be good little immigrants so they can look forward to one day becoming eligible for the military draft, to be sent off to somewhere as yet unknown, to fight someone as yet unidentified, for some reason not yet conceived.

*. *. *

So how does all of this solve our future immigration problems? Well, the same way it solves Russia’s, of course. Because if you were from somewhere else — anywhere else — and you knew that this was now the extent of the American dream . . . would you want to come here? Quite simply, they’ll stop applying, and we won’t have any more foreigners coming “from prisons, from mental institutions — from all over the world . . . poisoning the blood of our country.” (Donald Trump said that, so it must be true . . . right?) [NBC News, Dec. 17, 2023.]

Problem solved.

Just sayin’ . . .
Brendochka
1/7/24