Remember the Feenstra family? They’re the Canadian couple who sold their farm, packed up their worldly belongings and eight of their nine children, and in February of this year moved to Russia because of their fear that LGBTQ rights and other liberal tendencies in their country might negatively impact their kids. I haven’t seen any information about the ninth offspring, or why that one was left behind; but I’m assuming he or she is an adult and opted to stay at home. That would be the smart Feenstra.

*. *. *

And now we have one Wilmer Puello-Mota, a U.S. Air Force veteran and former elected official from Holyoke, Massachusetts, who has reportedly also fled to Russia . . . in his case, to escape prosecution, an 18-month prison sentence, and registration as a sex offender in his home state. Given his options, he apparently decided life in Vladimir Putin’s Russia would be the better choice.

So how’s that working out for you, Wilmer?

Puello-Mota had been charged with possession of sexually explicit images of a minor (17-year-old female), and was scheduled to appear in court in Rhode Island in January, where he was expected to enter a negotiated guilty plea. However, according to his attorney, he failed to show up and instead boarded a flight from Washington, D.C. to Istanbul, Turkey, and somehow traveled from there into Russia. He allegedly told his attorney that he was joining the Russian army to fight in Ukraine. [Steve LeBlanc and Nick Perry, Associated Press, April 10, 2024.]

This is a young man who served with the U.S. Air Force in Afghanistan in 2015, and later with the Massachusetts Air National Guard’s 104th Fighter Wing as a security forces airman. But in 2020, when he called to report a stolen gun, police, during the course of their investigation, discovered the pornographic material featuring the minor on his cell phone. He was also subsequently charged with “trying to deceive prosecutors and his commanders about the case,” as well as obstruction of justice and of forgery and counterfeiting for forging his military supervisor’s signature on a fraudulent memo to Rhode Island prosecutors. And so forth. [James Pentland, Daily Hampshire Gazette, April 11, 2024.]

The details of this adventure are convoluted and fuzzy, at best. Videos and pictures submitted to substantiate his claims of being in Russia and enlisting in the Russian army appear to show him in those places, but are not currently verifiable. The question remains whether he truly has fled the U.S. and chosen life under a totalitarian regime in preference to a plea-bargained 18 months in a U.S. prison, or gone to a great deal of trouble to fake it. As stated by Rhode Island prosecutors:

“While the state cannot verify the authenticity of the videos and photographs, if they are accurate the defendant is well beyond the jurisdiction of this court and, if false, the defendant is engaged in an elaborate ruse to conceal his whereabouts.” [Id.]

Either way, this loser has totally screwed up his life, and — as far as I’m concerned — the Russians can have him. They deserve each other.

*. *. *

As for the Feenstras, I’m unable to find any updates on how the clan is getting along in their new home after a somewhat rocky start, and I have to wonder whether their social media accounts have been shut down. That couple — two seemingly normal farmers from Canada — will both literally and figuratively reap what they have sown. But I worry about the eight children who had no choice in the matter.

*. *. *

Of course, the Kremlin loves the propaganda value to be gained from occasions such as these. What they conveniently fail to mention are the roughly one million — that’s 1,000,000 — Russian citizens who have fled the country since the Russian invasion of Ukraine in 2022 . . . most to avoid military conscription, but also a few hundred thousand tech specialists, journalists, teachers, and other Russian professionals and members of the intelligentsia who have found themselves to be at grave risk under the Putin regime.

The scales don’t quite balance, do they?

Just sayin’ . . .

Brendochka
4/13/24

Easter was early this year, finishing off March instead of waiting for April. And Passover is still ten days away. But since both of those holidays are for specific groups of people, I thought I’d fill in a couple of lovely spring days in April that we can all enjoy. Ready? I’m actually writing this on Thursday the 11th, so let’s start with that, and we can celebrate it a day late:

— National Alcohol Screening Day. I have no idea what this is supposed to celebrate or commemorate, but my first thought is that it is also for a very specific group: people with a drinking problem. Or perhaps it’s just for those who are crazy enough to drink-and-drive, and we should all just expect to be randomly pulled over by an extra cadre of traffic cops with Breathalyzers in hand. Now, I ask you: What kind of a holiday is it when you can’t even offer a proper toast?

PHOTO

*. *. *

— National Submarine Day. I suppose this is to honor those brave men and women who fight off their claustrophobic tendencies to live in a sardine can 20,000 leagues under the sea. But wouldn’t it be more fun if we all really did live in a yellow submarine? [Cue Beatles music.]

*. *. *

And here’s one I can really get behind:

— National Pet Day. Whether you’re a dog person or a cat person, or you prefer a ferret, a horse, a tweety bird, or a tank full of fish, is not the important thing. If you don’t love animals at all (people with serious allergies excepted), you are a highly suspect human being.

*. *. *

That’s all I could come up with for Thursday, so let’s check on Friday’s big events, starting with:

— National Grilled Cheese Sandwich Day. Now, show me anyone, of any age or demographic, who doesn’t like this one. With so many varieties of cheeses, breads, and add-ons to choose from (bacon comes immediately to mind), it’s always a winner — and especially in the winter, with a steaming bowl of cream of tomato soup. Right?

*. *. *

— American Civil War. It doesn’t seem to call itself a “day,” but it is the anniversary of the date that the Confederates fired on Fort Sumter — April 12, 1861 — and started that four-year mess also known as the War Between the States. This one is not really to be celebrated, but should be remembered so as not to be repeated. Not ever.

*. *. *

— National Licorice Day. Uh . . . okay, whatever.

*. *. *

— Cosmonautics Day. I’m not sure why there’s a celebration of the science of cosmonautics, rather than the cosmonauts themselves — those brave men and women who fight off their claustrophobic tendencies to live in a different sardine can, this time 200,000 miles out in space. But someone decided it needed to be done, so there it is. And as it turns out, there’s even a Museum of Cosmonautics, at the Peter and Paul Fortress in St. Petersburg, Russia. So that’s whose bright idea it was . . . The name should have given it away.

*. *. *

And my particular favorite on this or any other day:

— Day of Silence. Take the hint.

*. *. *

— And as I left the page, my eye happened to fall on an April 14th event, oddly called “Ambedkar Jayanti.” Clearly not an American holiday, I Googled it and found that it celebrates the birthday — what would have been his 134th this year — of Dr. Bhimrao Ramji Ambedkar, the principal architect of the Indian Constitution and the first Law Minister of Independent India. So, happy birthday, Dr. Ambedkar, wherever you are. Good job.

*. *. *

With that, I bid a happy April to us all.

TTFN,
Brendochka
4/12/24

Well, the roster just keeps growing. Today’s subject is new to my list of hostages, but evidently not to the Kremlin’s shit list. His name is Aleksandr Skobov, age 66, and according to Radio Free Europe/Radio Liberty (RFE/RL) (April 10, 2024):

“[He] has been a thorn in the side of authoritarian governments for more than four decades, from the Soviet era to President Vladimir Putin’s long rule. And now, in pretrial detention in St. Petersburg and facing prison, he is in no mood for compromise.”

On March 22, 2024, he was designated by the Russian government as a “foreign agent” — a favorite appellation for anyone who does not toe the Putin line. “On principle I refuse to comply with fascist laws,” he told RFE/RL. “I don’t intend to get into debates with the government. I will not try to prove my innocence. I will not label my writings, and I will not write any financial reports for them. A criminal case could be launched at any moment.”

Prophetic words. On April 3rd, he was arrested and charged with “justifying terrorism.” His actual crime: posting on social media information about the Ukrainian attacks on the Crimea Bridge — attacks that Russia has labelled “an act of terrorism” (see my April 5 post, “The Russian Comedy Club,” for more of Putin’s reaction).

The gutsy Mr. Skobov has freely accepted responsibility for what he calls “a whole bouquet of possible charges” resulting from his YouTube videos: “Discrediting the army. Inciting hatred and enmity. Justifying terrorism. The rehabilitation of Nazism. I directly equate the actions of the Stalin regime with those of Hitler’s during World War II.” [RFE/RL, April 10, 2024.]

He also openly admits his participation in a group known as the Free Russia Forum, which has been declared “undesirable” in Russia. If charged with that “crime,” his conviction could result in a sentence of up to six years in prison. [Id.]

Mr. Skobov is not a stranger to the Russian prison system. As a young man in 1978, he was arrested for publishing an anti-government magazine, and spent about six months in a KGB prison, followed by forced psychiatric treatment, for a total of three years. Psychiatric treatment — a common form of incarceration in Soviet times — was again the punishment, this time for five years, for his later publication of a samizdat (clandestinely self-published) article criticizing Chile’s dictator General Pinochet. The article was deemed to be anti-Soviet propaganda. [Id.]

Thus, Aleksandr Skobov has more than earned a place on my list of Russian political prisoners being held hostage for the mere act of voicing opinions contrary to those of you-know-who. A sad honor, indeed.

*. *. *

And equally disturbing are three recent updates to the circumstances in which other political hostages have already found themselves: Lilia Chanysheva, Ilya Yashin, and Vladimir Kara-Murza.

Ms. Chanysheva was already serving a 7-1/2-year prison term on charges of “extremism,” for having acted as head of the late Alexei Navalny’s anti-corruption team in the Bashkortostan region of Russia. But someone recently determined that 7-1/2 years weren’t enough, and at a closed hearing, the Bashkortostan Supreme Court extended her sentence by two years. Period. End of discussion. No justification required.

Russian justice at its most efficient.

*. *. *

In another case, our good friend Ilya Yashin has been serving 8-1/2 years since his conviction in 2022 for reporting on his YouTube channel about the Russian army’s destruction of the town of Bucha, Ukraine. Yashin was also an ally of Alexei Navalny, which, in and of itself, makes him a likely target for “special treatment” by the Russian penal system. His latest so-called infraction: taking off his jacket at breakfast in the prison cafeteria. Instead of a lengthening of his sentence, he was simply thrown into solitary confinement for ten days.

Under the Russian penal code, you never have to worry about actually being guilty of anything. If they can’t find something to charge you with, they’ll just make it up.

*. *. *

And last, but far from least, is Vladimir Kara-Murza, who is serving a brutal 25-year sentence in Siberian Penal Colony IK-7, for “spreading false information about the Russian army” by speaking out against Russia’s invasion of Ukraine in 2022. He is just 42 years old, but is not in the best of health; he suffers from a condition that requires regular medication and exercise; yet he has been kept in solitary confinement for months, and in January was moved into a small “punishment cell,” where he would receive no medical care. Since the suspicious death of Alexei Navalny in February, Kara-Murza’s family and friends have become increasingly frightened for his life . . . and not without good reason. But negotiations between the U.K. and U.S. governments (he holds joint Russian/U.K. citizenship) and the Russian side seem to be stalled.

The old Soviet style of getting rid of a prisoner was merely putting a bullet into the back of his head. Today’s method: simply letting him die of “natural causes.” It has the advantage of plausible deniability . . . and it’s so much cleaner.

*. *. *

Such is our unfortunate update on the hostage situation for now. I’m not sure how or why I began this personal crusade in the first place, but it is a cause to which I am now firmly committed. I may be just a lone voice shouting in the wilderness, but I keep hoping that every voice — like every vote — really does count. So I keep shouting, praying that someone will hear me.

Just sayin’ . . .

Brendochka
4/11/24

Yes, I know I’ve written about him before, this former President of Russia and current Deputy Chairman of the Russian Security Council. But he just keeps popping up in the news with bigger and . . . well, not better, but definitely more insane . . . threats of what Russia can and will do if the West doesn’t play nicely with them. “Nicely,” of course, meaning according to their rules.

It’s really not surprising that this long-time friend and ally of Vladimir Putin should turn out also to be the Charlie McCarthy to Putin’s Edgar Bergen. Despite the 13-year age difference, their paths crossed in their native city of Leningrad where they had both attended Leningrad (now St. Petersburg) State University, and both later came under the influence of the man who would become that city’s first democratic mayor: Anatoly Sobchak.

Finding a comfortable spot under Putin’s wing, Medvedev came up through the ranks, first in St. Petersburg and then in Moscow, with Putin ultimately landing in the catbird seat at the Kremlin. When Putin was serving his first term as President from 2000-04, Medvedev was appointed to the office of Kremlin Chief of Staff (2003-05); then was promoted to First Deputy Prime Minister of Russia from 2005-08.

At that point, Putin’s time as President ran out in accordance with the Russian Constitution, which at that time allowed only two consecutive terms of four years. Planning to run again in 2012, Putin managed to slide Medvedev into the President’s office for four years from 2008-12, during which his protege would naturally follow instructions like a good little puppet, all the while presenting to the world a face of reason and moderation. But somehow, during those four years, a constitutional amendment was passed, extending the two consecutive presidential terms to six years apiece. So, in 2012, Putin again was “elected” to the presidency, this time to serve until 2018, at which point he would repeat the process for another six years, until 2024. And by the way, somewhere in there he managed to push through an additional constitutional amendment removing that pesky provision of only two consecutive terms. So there he sits, firmly ensconced — since last month’s nicely-rigged election — until at least 2030, and possibly 2036.

Meanwhile, Medvedev assumed the post of Prime Minister of Russia from 2012 to 2020, when a major shuffling of personnel next saw him moved into the office of Deputy Chairman of the Security Council of the Russian Federation (the Chairman being Putin himself) — seemingly a demotion, but in fact an equally significant role to that of Prime Minister. He is constantly seen at Putin’s side these days . . . when he isn’t screaming into the wind about Russia’s nuclear option.

*. *. *

So now it is 2024; Russia is in the third year of its war against Ukraine; and Dmitry Medvedev can be heard on a nearly daily basis lobbing threats at the world of nuclear retaliation against any “Western” — i.e., NATO or NATO-friendly — country that dares to send troops onto Ukraine’s territory to aid in its defense, or in the event any Ukrainian attacks should strike missile launch sites inside Russia with arms supplied by the U.S. and/or its allies. In January of this year, he specifically stated on Telegram:

“What does this mean? It means only one thing — they risk running into the action of paragraph 19 of the fundamentals of Russia’s state policy in the field of nuclear deterrence. This should be remembered.”

Paragraph 19 sets forth the conditions under which a Russian president might consider using a nuclear weapon, in broad language referring to Russia’s response to any attack using nuclear or other weapons of mass destruction, or to the use of conventional weapons against Russia, “when the very existence of the state is put under threat.”

In other words . . . whenever.

In February, he added a threat to use nuclear weapons against the U.S., the U.K., Germany, and Ukraine if Moscow should lose all of its presently occupied Ukrainian territories — territories that Putin has long referred to as being “historically Russian lands.”

And in March, he completely blew out of the water Vladimir Putin’s consistent protestations that his “special military operation” was launched for the noble purpose of “liberating” Ukraine from its supposed fascist, Nazi-led government . . . and he did it in just three short sentences:

In so stating, “Medvedev spelled out his rejection of Ukrainian statehood and elaborated on the imperial objectives underpinning Russia’s ongoing invasion.” [Taras Kuzio, Atlantic Council, March 4, 2024.]

“One of Ukraine’s former leaders once said Ukraine is not Russia. That concept needs to disappear forever. Ukraine is definitely Russia.”

*. *. *

Empires are not built on the basis of a single annexation. Like a billionaire snatching up pieces of prime real estate, a would-be emperor is never satisfied. There is always another piece of property waiting to be acquired, at any cost. Which begs the question I have asked numerous times in regard to Russia’s expansionist goals: Who’s next?

*. *. *

I’ve always wondered — and still do — how a monster is created. Coincidentally, someone recently asked me if I’d ever noticed that the most rotten people always seem also to be the most charismatic, which led me to ask myself which characteristic most likely came first. Did the natural charisma cause the individual to become too self-assured, too cocky, and too aware of the power it gave them over others? Or was the person more likely born with evil instincts, which then guided them to develop the charismatic personality necessary to lead others along their desired path? I don’t know the answer; but look at this baby, and tell me what you see.

Just sayin’ . . .

Brendochka
4/10/24

So much anticipation, so quickly gone . . . much like Christmas.

Unfortunately, I do not live in the path of “totality.” We saw about 69% coverage, which was cool, but didn’t turn our daylight to night. It was a bright, sunny day here, and it remained bright and sunny . . . though there was a distinct change in the color of the ambient light. I can’t describe it; everything — buildings, trees, grass — looked a little bit sharper, and with a very slight bluish-grey tint to the air itself.

Interestingly, my son, who is color-blind, said that during the eclipse he was actually able to distinguish colors. Unfortunately, it didn’t last. I have no idea what might have caused that little phenomenon, but I think I’ll do a bit of research on it.

Since I most likely won’t be around for the next solar eclipse in the U.S. in 2044 — or if I am, I’ll be over 100 and won’t really give a damn — I’m glad to have seen it at all. I’m sure there will be lunar events before then, which are also lovely . . . and you don’t need special glasses in order to see it.

And happily, with all of the hoopla over today’s once-in-my-lifetime event, the rest of the world seems to have taken a day off from news-making . . . which is an altogether good thing, since news that makes the headlines is rarely pleasant. So I will take advantage of the lull and call it an early night.

Sleep well, world. Tomorrow awaits.

TTFN,
Brendochka
4/9/24

NOTE: The following is not intended as a condemnation or defense of Israel, or of any other country or political entity. Nor is it a defense or condemnation of Al Jazeera. It is, simply, a personal statement of unwavering support for democracy and the democratic principle of freedom of speech ... irrevocably including a free press.

*. *. *

They used to call him Bibi. It was an affectionate nickname, short for Binyamin (Benjamin). But you don’t often see it in print these days; now he’s just Netanyahu. And he’s the target of widespread protests in his own country demanding his ouster from office, and of international accusations of genocide. So what has happened to the man who holds the distinction of being the longest-serving prime minister in Israel’s history, having been in office — albeit not consecutively — for more than sixteen years since he was first elected in 1996?

Let me say, right up front, that I am staunchly pro-Israel. From that day in 1948 when it became an independent state, through the remainder of the 20th Century and the first two decades of the 21st, it has been a model of courage, strength, fortitude . . . and democratic principles. It has provided a safe haven for Jewish refugees, and for those simply seeking their historic home.

But life there hasn’t been easy, to state it mildly. Surrounded by countries harboring extremists who deny Israel its right to exist, it has had to fight ceaselessly to maintain that very existence. And six months ago, on October 7, 2023, one such extremist group — Hamas — launched a raid on Israel from Gaza, killing 1,200 people (including foreign nationals), and brutalizing and kidnapping hundreds more.

And Israel retaliated, as one would hope and expect . . . and as any nation would be expected to react: swiftly and fiercely, with the full strength of its military might. And, as Israel has shown the world time and time again in defending its sovereignty, its military might is formidable.

But that was half a year ago. And since then, we have seen an example of a non-proportional response unlike any I can recall in my lifetime. There has been, and continues to be, debate at the highest levels of governments throughout the world, in the mass media, and among friends and colleagues around the dinner table as to the acceptability of the level of Israel’s response.

And now, most horrifyingly, this professed man of peace . . . this stalwart friend of the United States in the Middle East . . . has permitted, encouraged, and taken advantage of legislation that cannot help but remind one of recent actions in Vladimir Putin’s Russia. On April 1st, the Knesset — the Israeli Parliament — passed a bill “[granting] the government the power to temporarily ban the broadcasting of international news outlets in Israel, if they are deemed threatening to national security.” [International Federation of Journalists, April 2, 2024.] And on the same day, Netanyahu personally “vowed to shut down Al Jazeera’s operations in Israel, calling it a ‘terror channel’ that spreads incitement, after parliament passed a law clearing the way for the closure.” [Josef Federman, Associated Press, April 2, 2024.]

Israel has sustained a long-running feud with Al Jazeera, with strong accusations being lobbed by each against the other. And now, Al Jazeera is one of the few international media outlets remaining in Gaza during the war, broadcasting bloody scenes of airstrikes and overcrowded hospitals and accusing Israel of massacres.

Israel accuses Al Jazeera of collaborating with Hamas:

“‘Al Jazeera harmed Israel’s security, actively participated in the Oct. 7 massacre, and incited against Israeli soldiers. It is time to remove the bullhorn of Hamas from our country,’ Netanyahu said on X, formerly Twitter.

“He said he planned on acting immediately under the authorities of the newly passed law. ‘The terror channel Al Jazeera will no longer broadcast from Israel,’ he [Netanyahu] said.” [Id.]

Al Jazeera’s response was quick and decisive: they called Netanyahu’s claim a “dangerous ludicrous lie.” [Id.]

*. *. *

Take a closer look at the language of Israel’s new law: “. . . if they are deemed threatening to national security.” Precisely what does that mean? And who decides what constitutes a threat?

Then look carefully at Netanyahu’s words, accusing Al Jazeera of having “actively participated in the Oct. 7 massacre, and incited against Israeli soldiers,” and of being “a terror channel that spreads incitement.” He then vowed that “The terror channel Al Jazeera will no longer broadcast from Israel.” [Id.]

Yes, Al Jazeera has been banned by other Middle East governments, including Saudi Arabia, Jordan, the UAE, Bahrain, and Egypt, for various reasons. But those governments are not democracies.

And yes, the Al Jazeera channel has broadcast graphic scenes and stories of the horrific results of Israel’s retaliatory strikes against Hamas in Gaza. Broadcasting the news is its job — just as the Western press, and formerly independent Russian media, have broadcast graphic scenes and stories of the destruction by Russia of region after region in Ukraine. That is also their job. And what has Moscow done? Just what it always does — shut down the media, both foreign and domestic, that presented what Vladimir Putin labels “fake news” and “inciting terrorist acts.” In other words, broadcasts that make him look bad.

How can you miss the similarities in terminology? Are we now seeing Israel taking a cue from Moscow’s playbook? What’s next? Will we be seeing people in Israel arrested for “spreading false information” about their country’s military? Will criticism of Israel’s government be labelled treason? Probably not. But it’s that first little step — the shutting down of a news medium whose broadcasts prove inconvenient or uncomfortable to your government — that scares the hell out of me.

And apparently it is worrying a lot of Israelis who are now calling for Benjamin Netanyahu to step down and for a new election. Perhaps that call will prove more effective in Israel than it has in Russia.

Just sayin’ . . .

Brendochka
4/8/24

First, there comes word of an earthquake. Not in San Francisco or Tokyo, but in . . . of all places . . . New Jersey!

New Jersey??!!! Yup, that’s right — the east coast of the United States. Mercifully, it was “only” a 4.8-magnitude, fairly shallow quake, and didn’t do any major damage or cause any deaths or injuries. But it was felt from parts of New York all the way down to Washington, D.C., and there have been numerous reports of something called “Post-Earthquake Dizziness Syndrome.” This apparently is a very real thing, similar to the swaying feeling some people have when coming ashore after being at sea, only longer-lasting.

I also noted that the tremor was centered just three miles from Bedminster, N.J. Hey, isn’t that where Donald Trump’s golf resort is located? Just sayin’ . . .

*. *. *

Second: Typhoons are not rare occurrences in China, but the one that struck Jianxi Province in the southern part of the country on Friday must have been a beaut! More than 5,400 houses were damaged and 1,600 people had to be evacuated; over 300,000 people have been affected by the storm in one way or another. Worst of all, at least seven deaths have been reported there, plus another four in Nanchang Province. Among the fatalities in Nanchang were a woman in her 60s and her 11-year-old grandson, who were literally yanked through a window, along with their mattresses, by the gale-force winds. Another 60-year-old woman in their building met with the same fate. In case you’ve ever wondered why the experts repeatedly warn people to stay away from windows during severe storms, this is your answer.

Condolences to the families of the deceased, and to all of the victims of the storm.

*. *. *

And now, we have the upcoming solar eclipse on Monday. I’m not in the path of total eclipse, but our area should see about 69% totality. I’ve never experienced one, so I have my specially-approved cardboard glasses, and I’ll be outside at 1:30 p.m. I was excited about the whole thing until these other “natural” phenomena occurred in close sequence, and now I’m wondering what (if any) effect an eclipse might have on us mortals. Will we suffer some sort of Post-Eclipse Dizziness Syndrome? Will all of the animals start running around in circles? Will our cell phones stop working? We shall see.

With any luck, Ma Nature will have calmed down over the weekend, and all will be well. But until then, it might be best for everyone to behave, and not piss her off any more than she already is.

TTFN,
Brendochka
4/7/24

Another Sunday . . . and another week without any known movement in the effort to release Putin’s political HOSTAGES. So, true to my word, I once more urge you not to forget or forsake those men and women being held HOSTAGE by the Russian government, who have done no more than speak out against the dictatorial, fascist regime of Vladimir Putin. While they have been forced into silence, we have not.

Please . . . look at their faces. And help to bring them home!

We must continue to use our voices for them. Please just click to share this message on any and every social media platform of your choice. It’s so easy to create that multitude of voices.

Brendochka
4/7/24

A young man — a husband, father, son, brother, friend, and the son-in-law of a good friend of mine — passed away suddenly this week of a previously unsuspected heart condition. And it started me thinking of the unpredictability of life, and from there my mind wandered into the category of what my last wishes would be if I knew my exact expiration date.

But since none of us do know that (unless we’re contemplating suicide, which I most definitely am not), and therefore not knowing how much time I might have left to make plans, I decided to focus on something readily attainable: food.

Which in turn reminded me of my late mother and her very simple last-meal request (which, sadly, remained unfulfilled). She had spent her entire life dieting — when younger, because she had an obsessive fear of gaining weight — and she stayed pretty much at 98 pounds throughout her adult life, which was fine because she was barely five feet tall. And when she was older, and had had a heart attack and suffered from elevated cholesterol, she developed a neurotic anxiety about fats — the kind to be found in the foods we eat. So she wouldn’t eat anything that was reputed to contain high levels of animal fat, such as beef, pork, egg yolks, and dairy. She spurned fried or sautéed food, even if it had been cooked in healthy vegetable oils, because she was sure that heating it somehow made the good oil bad. In short, she drove us all crazy!

But she said that if the time came when she knew she didn’t have long to live, the one thing she wanted us to give her was . . . even now, I feel ridiculous saying it . . . a bologna sandwich. And not just any bologna; it had to be Hebrew National Bologna. Not because it was kosher; it just tasted better. And it had to be on rye bread, with French’s yellow mustard. Forget about a steak dinner, baked potato loaded with butter and sour cream, and cheesecake for dessert. To her, bologna was better.

So why did that one simple request go unsatisfied? Because we, her family, knew that if we had ever tried to get her to eat a bologna sandwich, she would have assumed she was at death’s door and would have freaked out in ways you can’t even imagine. And when finally, inevitably, it became obvious she was not going to survive the most recent heart attack, she had no appetite for anything . . . not even her beloved bologna sandwich. How sad is that?

Ironically, as I neared the age at which my mother had passed away, circumstances caused me to have to modify my diet — not as crazily as she did, but with some minor adjustments. A loss of mobility has also made it impossible for me to stand for hours and cook the way I used to. But I refuse to suffer the same “bologna sandwich” fate that she did. So I hereby submit my menus for my final days. (I will leave the recipes and instructions behind, just in case.) As you will see, a plain old sandwich just won’t cut it.

*. *. *

For the main course, let’s start with rolled cabbages, made the way my Ukrainian grandmother taught my mother and she taught me: with an all-beef filling and a sweet-and-sour tomato sauce gravy flavored with sour salt (citric acid) and white sugar — no lemon juice or brown sugar, if you please. And this dish stands alone; no sides are needed, but some good rye bread for dunking is always welcome.

Next, there’s pot roast. Chuck is my first choice, with brisket a close second, though the latter is leaner and not as tender and needs to be cooked a little longer. Either cut must definitely be braised and roasted with potatoes, carrots and onions, and a rich beef broth gravy. A cast iron Dutch oven works best for this.

And one more: Oddly, a Thanksgiving dinner, the way my family used to do it, because it’s always been my favorite holiday. There’s turkey, of course, but with my mother’s cracker stuffing, my home-made cranberry sauce (I’ll leave some in the freezer), sweet potatoes (no marshmallows or nuts), Brussels sprouts (and green beans for those who can’t stand the sprouts), rolls and butter, and for dessert the requisite pumpkin pie with mounds of whipped cream, but also an apple pie for those who prefer it. I’ll have a sliver of each.

*. *. *

And for dessert with the first two dinners: Tiramisu. I once spent an entire year making the rounds of the Washington, D.C. area’s many fine restaurants, searching for the best tiramisu. I gained ten pounds, but I finally found it . . . and then the restaurant closed its doors. Just coincidence, I’m sure. But to this day, I dream about that tiramisu, and I would love a nice hunk of it (or a reasonable facsimile) to top off those first two meals, please.

But wait . . . there’s more. It is my one guilty pleasure to this very day. No matter how un-hungry I may be, I end each day with a 3.6-ounce cup of Haagen-Dazs coffee ice cream. It must be Haagen-Dazs, and if it’s not coffee, I get cranky. It’s just the best stuff in the world. So why the little cups? Two reasons. First, because I’m too lazy to scoop frozen-solid ice cream from a big container every night. And second, portion control, of course. Not so much for the calorie count, but the excess of caffeine in a bigger serving of the coffee late at night would seriously have me staring at the ceiling until dawn, and has done so more than once.

And there is a third reason: Somehow, tauntingly, I find that leaving myself wanting just a little bit more makes the next night’s treat that much better.

*. *. *

And there you have it: the simple, folksy, somewhat plebeian (except for the tiramisu) means of ensuring that I make my final exit from this world with a big, satisfied smile on my face, and most likely a resounding belch from my . . . well, from wherever belches originate. I’m not in any hurry, though, so don’t rush off to the market just yet. But please do keep it in mind for the future.

Oh, by the way, I always have a supply of ice cream in the freezer. Help yourself to any extras. And thanks.

Brendochka
4/6/24

P.S. To the young man who is no longer with us: Requiescat in pace.

Sadly, there is no more vaudeville, no more Laurel and Hardy or Gallagher and Shean. The days of Milton Berle and Sid Caesar are gone forever. Lost too is the acerbic wit of Mort Sahl and Lenny Bruce. What passes for comedy in the U.S. today seems to be the maximum use of the “F” word.

But do not despair. A brand-new style of humor has been born, and it’s coming to us — to the whole world — out of a most unexpected place: Moscow. Yes, that’s Moscow, the capital of Russia — not Moscow, Indiana or Moscow, Idaho, though either of those cities would most likely be a better choice of vacation destination these days.

No, the new humor . . . albeit on the sick and somewhat tasteless side . . . is presented with a deadpan delivery that has obviously taken years — even decades — to develop. You really have to see it to appreciate it fully; but like most good jokes, just hearing or reading the words can still give you a good chuckle.

Without going into too much detail or background, I present to you the four stars of the Russian Comedy Club, and the unforgettable punch lines for which they have most recently become rich — really rich —and famous. Or is it “infamous”? Anyway, without further ado, let’s give a huge welcome to Vladimir Putin, Sergey Lavrov, Dmitry Medvedev, and Nikolai Patrushev.

*. *. *

Vladimir Putin, President: He tops the list for declaring Ukraine’s demolition of Russia’s illegally-built Crimean Bridge to be a “barbaric bomb attack” that qualifies as an “act of terrorism,” and demanding that the responsible parties be extradited to Russia, along with compensation to the families of the Russian invaders who were killed in the explosion. Now, taken in the context of the ongoing war in Ukraine, tell me that’s not just plain hilarious.

Sergey Lavrov, Foreign Minister: In a skit that centered around the need for peace talks between Russia and Ukraine, Sergey told us that he believes China would be the best choice to act as negotiator, based on its proposed peace plan: “The most important thing for us is that the Chinese document is based on an analysis of the reasons for what is happening and the need to eliminate these root causes. It is structured in logic from the general to the specific.” And he delivered those lines without cracking a smile. Fantastic!

Dmitry Medvedev, Deputy Chairman, Russian Security Council: Dmitry managed to reduce me to tears with three short sentences: “One of Ukraine’s former leaders once said Ukraine is not Russia. That concept needs to disappear forever. Ukraine is definitely Russia.” Who writes this stuff, anyway??!!! It’s priceless!

And last, but by no means least, we have the normally poker-faced . . .

Nikolai Patrushev, Secretary, Russian Security Council: They’re just loaded with comics on the Security Council, aren’t they? Well, old Nicky slayed us this week with a one-liner, the punch line of his routine wherein he lays substantial blame for the Moscow theater attack on Ukraine and the U.S.: “But everyone knows that the Kyiv regime is not independent and is completely controlled by the United States.” Omigod! My sides are splitting! This guy is too much!

*. *. *

So there, in brief, you have the new stars of Russian comedy. Or are they in truth the Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse? Hmmm . . . It’s really hard to tell the difference.

Now, that’s not funny.

Just sayin’ . . .

Brendochka
4/5/24

P.S. For a real laugh, take a closer look at what AI did to the Four Horsemen, and their horses.