So here we are — an entire world filled with people desperately trying to remain relatively sane while our brains process the daily reports of wars, earthquakes, tariffs, inflation, starvation, the coming hurricane season, and whether or not Taylor Swift really said she’s moving to Canada — and some genius comes up with the solution to all of the world’s problems: More babies.

Actually, it’s more than just one “genius” — it’s an entire fringe group, almost completely from the political right, who call themselves “Pronatalists.” And they’re telling us . . . typically for any extremist group . . . that what is right for them is right for everyone. They’re all about large families, so that’s what the rest of us should be doing as well.

Procreate, procreate, procreate.

Just pop those little humans out, year after year after year, whether or not you can afford to support them, or have room to house them, or are blessed with the patience to deal with them as they reach their teens and begin telling you what a shitty parent you’ve been all these years because you didn’t pay enough individual attention to each of the 12 little darlings.

And no, this is not the product of one of my weird dreams during those occasional moments of REM sleep. As evidence, meet the Collinses . . . whose picture, unfortunately, looks to me suspiciously like an AI creation, but who are apparently quite real. (No offense intended . . . but don’t you see it too?)

Anyway, when interviewed in their 18th-century cottage somewhere in Pennsylvania, mom Simone was conservatively dressed in a black pilgrim pinafore with a wide collar. The interviewer said that, at 8:30 a.m., Simone looked a little tired from running several businesses, juggling four small children, and being pregnant with a fifth. That, at least, is completely understandable.

Asked if she and her husband Malcolm planned to continue having children after this next one, Simone said:

“At least seven, and as many as I can physically carry — 12 would be even more brilliant.” [Stephanie Hegarty, BBC, April 1, 2025.]

Well, I don’t know about you, dear reader, but that doesn’t sound particularly brilliant to me. Simone and Malcolm are already 37 ad 38 years of age, and theoretically, they could be grandparents before their youngest children are out of elementary school.

Ah, but there is method to their madness . . . because they have offered themselves up as models for pronatalism, opening their home to interviews and photo shoots so that they might better spread the gospel according to the Collinses.

They believe that falling birth rates are a big problem for society, and that larger families are the solution. However, they do not go about this randomly. They have claimed that they “have used special technology, during the IVF process, to screen their embryos for traits such as intelligence.” In 2023, they told an undercover reporter — yes, an undercover reporter! — that “The studies let us know what our genetic predilection for IQ is. We will never choose a child who is less privileged in IQ than either of us.” [Id.]

At this point, I hear you screaming: “No, wait! This is some kind of insane April Fool’s joke . . . isn’t it??!!!”

Because that’s exactly what I thought. But no . . . dad Malcolm Collins went on to explain to the BBC reporter:

“The easiest way to [spread the word about pronatalism] was to turn ourselves into a meme . . . If we take a reasonable approach to things and say things are nuanced, nobody engages. And then we go and say something outrageous and offensive and everyone’s into it.” [Id.]

So maybe the IVF technology thing was made up . . . which is a great relief, because it was beginning to sound like something out of a Nazi horror movie — you know . . . selective breeding, and all that.

*. *. *

And now, for comic effect, let’s bring the U.S. government into it — or, at least, certain members of the administration: those at the very top of the food chain.

The Collinses are encouraged by Elon Musk — said to have fathered 12 or 14 children of his own by a variety of baby mamas — having called fertility decline “the biggest danger civilisation faces, by far.” (Right . . . definitely bigger than global warming, or nuclear holocaust.) He is reported to have donated $10 million to the Population Wellbeing Initiative in Texas, which conducts research into fertility, parenting, and the future of population growth. [Id.]

Well, I certainly hope he used his own money for that, and not the salaries of all the people who have just been fired from their government jobs.

*. *. *

And that guy with no first name — JD Vance — also told people at an anti-abortion rally in January that “I want more babies in the United States of America.” [Id.] (It’s not clear to me, from this one short comment, whether he meant children of his own, or other people’s. But no matter.)

Then, of course, he helped to put some of those prospective parents out of work as well.

*. *. *

There’s also the new Secretary of Transportation, Sean Duffy, who boasts of having so many children (nine, at last count) that he sometimes loses count of them:

“If you look at what’s good for country and society, it’s to reproduce, to have kids. That shows that you’re healthy, you’re strong, and you’re patriotic.” [Casey Tolan, CNN, March 30, 2025.]

Otherwise, I presume, you’re an un-American weakling and need to be culled from the general population.

*. *. *

But let’s not forget Donald Trump’s contribution to the cause: an executive order signed on February 18th, improving access for IVF that recognized “the importance of family formation and that our nation’s public policy must make it easier for loving and longing mothers and fathers to have children.” [BBC, op.cit.]

Fine. Just don’t — whatever you do — try to have those kids vaccinated later.

*. *. *

Lest you think this Pronatalism movement is entirely about familial love and the warmth of a large family environment, be assured there is a political side to it as well. The Collinses, who describe themselves as former liberals who became disillusioned with progressive (i.e., “woke”) politics, consider themselves to be pragmatic and anti-bureaucratic:

“We are a coalition of people who are incredibly different in our philosophies, our theological beliefs, our family structures. But the one thing we agree on is that our core enemy is the urban monoculture; the leftist unifying culture.” [Id.]

Well, okay, then . . . I have a suggestion for the Collinses: Rather than continue suffering the “wokeness” of our “leftist, unifying, urban monoculture” (whatever that means), I know where you can get a really nice piece of farmland, at an unbelievably reasonable price, with neighbors who share your vision, in a place that is actively working to grow its population.

Just get in touch with the (formerly Canadian) Feenstra family in Nizhny Novgorod, Russia; they’ll help you through the immigration process.

*. *. *

At this point, I really don’t know what else to say, other than:

Please let this be another weird dream!

Just sayin’ . . .

Brendochka
4/4/25

P.S. Because of the length of this article — not to mention the golden opportunity for a bit more wit and sarcasm — I am cutting it off here, and will be continuing with a second episode, tentatively to be titled, “Permission To Copulate … Not Merely Granted, But Actively Encouraged.” Stay tuned.