How on earth do you go about stealing 48,000 pounds of . . . well, anything, really? But in this case, it was cheese. Top-quality, rather pricey, artisanal Cheddar cheese. All 24 tons of it.

The reason is simple enough: it’s worth, at wholesale, around $390,000. But how do you pull off a heist of this magnitude? You clearly don’t just break into the dairy and carry out a 24-ton chunk o’ cheese — not even broken down into smaller chunks.

No . . . if you’re in England, you have it delivered.

Now, that is a twist worthy of an episode of Midsomer Murders — but happily without the murder part. The perps (that’s perpetrators, to non-mystery fans) posed as legitimate wholesale distributors for a major French retailer, and presumably arranged the transaction in the usual manner.

The victim — Neal’s Yard Dairy, which sells top-quality British and Irish cheeses to stores and restaurants worldwide — only realized it had been scammed when the delivery had already been made. The company posted the following statement:

“Over 950 wheels of Hafod, Westcombe, and Pitchfork Cheddar were delivered before the fraud was discovered. Despite the significant financial blow, we have honoured our commitment to our small-scale suppliers and paid all three artisan cheesemakers in full.” [Lianne Kolirin, CNN, October 28, 2024.]

Now, that’s British class for you!

I should think the cheese police would have a fairly easy time in tracing the thieves. After all, there had to be a delivery address. Surely you can’t squeeze 950 wheels of Cheddar into a post office box!

And they have had additional help from celebrity chef Jamie Oliver, who has sent out an appeal to his Instagram followers:

“You’re going to think I’m joking but I’m not — there’s been a great cheese robbery. Some of the best cheddar cheese in the world has been stolen. . . . If anyone hears anything about posh cheese going for cheap, it is probably some wrong’uns.” [Id.]

Oliver went on to wonder what the thieves would do with “lorryloads of posh cheese. Are they going to unpeel it from the cloth, and cut it and grate it and get rid of it in the fast food industry, in the commercial industry? I don’t know — it seems like a really weird thing to nick.” [Id.]

You said it, Jamie — it is indeed a weird one: “The Great Posh Cheese Robbery.” It’s a sad thing for Neal’s Yard Dairy; but it’s tailor-made for one of those great British comedies.

As long as Colin Firth is in it, I’ll be in the front row.

Just sayin’ . . .

Brendochka
10/29/24