It might have been opening night of a fantastic Broadway show. Or the Prince and Princess of Wales’ motorcade driving by. Or an especially showy display of the Aurora Borealis. You know — something you’re kicking yourself for having missed because it would have been so memorable.

Well, today I’m regretting not having been on that Qantas flight from Sydney to Tokyo last week . . . the one that experienced a technical issue with the inflight entertainment system.

No, it wasn’t that the passengers couldn’t watch any movie at all. On the contrary, they couldn’t turn the damned thing off. And somehow, what was showing was the wrong movie — a particularly spicy R-rated one, reportedly titled “Daddio.” A 2023 film starring Dakota Johnson and Sean Penn, it had earned its rating “for language throughout, sexual material and brief graphic nudity.” [Karla Cripps, CNN, October 8, 2024.]

Now, I have no problem with any of that as long as there’s also an interesting story line. But some people might; and those people — the ones on this particular Qantas flight — apparently made it clear that they would have appreciated the ability to turn the $^%#@&*^# thing off.

And that wasn’t even the biggest problem. There were children on the flight. Which led me to fantasize about being on that plane, perhaps with my daughter when she was six or eight years old and just smart enough to ask all the wrong questions at all the right times (or vice-versa). And I believe it would have played out very much like an episode of Everybody Loves Raymond, with the part of Raymond’s meddling mother, Marie, being represented here by the Nosy Older Butt-insky (hereinafter, the NOB) in the seat on the other side of my daughter.

Something like this:

Me (Trying to distract daughter): “Let’s not watch a movie now. Let’s play one of the games we brought.”

Daughter: “Why? I thought you wanted to watch a movie.”

M: “Well, I did, but I don’t like the one they’re showing, and you wouldn’t either.”

D: “How come? What’s it about?”

M: “Oh, just about a lady talking to a taxi driver.”

D: “That sounds boring. What do they talk about?”

M: “I really don’t know. But you’re right, it does sound boring. So what game . . .”

D: “But if you don’t know what they’re talking about, how do you know it’s boring?”

M: “Well, um . . .”

NOB (Butting in): “It’s a nasty movie, sweetheart.”

D (Turning toward NOB): “Nasty? How do you know? Did you see it before?”

M: (Shooting evil glance at NOB) “She means she heard about it, and the two people get angry with each other.”

NOB: “No, that’s not what I meant at all. I meant they talk about nasty things, like s-e-x.”

D: “I can spell, you know. I’m eight. That spells ‘sex’ . . . but I don’t know what it means.”

M: “Well, you’re not old enough for this movie.”

D: “But yesterday you told me I was getting very grownup. Didn’t you mean it?”

NOB: “Of course, she did, dear. But your mother is right. S-e-x talk is nasty.”

D: “Why? What’s nasty about sex? And why do you keep spelling it?”

M (To NOB): “Excuse me, but how is this any of your business?”

NOB: “I’m only trying to help, dear.”

M: “Yeah, right. Just let me deal with my own daughter, please.”

NOB: “Well, I never!”

M: “Yeah, that’s probably part of your problem! And sex is not nasty!”

D: “Mommy, you’re shouting at the nice lady.”

M: “Well, she’s not that nice. So let’s ignore her, throw this sweater over the TV screen, and you plug in your earphones and listen to the music on your iPod. Okay?”

D: “But you said too much of that would ruin my hearing.”

M: “And right now, that would probably be a good thing. So just do it!”

M (Ringing call bell): “Miss, are there two other available seats? Any two?”

D (Being re-seated): “So why did she say sex was nasty, Mommy? Mommy? Mommy?!!”

M: “Oh, look — they’ve fixed the movie. We can watch now.”

D: “But this is a little kids’ movie. I’d rather watch the one about s-e-x.”

M (Ringing call bell again): “Miss, could I have a refill on the wine, please? And keep it coming, if you wouldn’t mind.”

*. *. *

I miss traveling; I really do. I miss seeing exotic places, meeting new people, trying different cuisines, learning bits and pieces of other languages.

But boy, I do not miss the hassle of getting there!

Just sayin’ . . .

Brendochka
10/10/24