The day is nearly over in Moscow, but it’s not too late to send a birthday wish to Vladimir Vladimirovich:

С днем рождения!

Now that I’ve said “Happy birthday,” it seems pretty lame compared to the effusive greetings he received on the dot of midnight from two of his nearest and dearest comrades . . . er, colleagues: Aleksandr Dugin and Ramzan Kadyrov. Allow me to elaborate.

You may remember Dugin from some of my earlier descriptions: the far, far, far, far right uber-nationalist whack-job who is trying to help Putin rebuild the Soviet . . . oops! the Russian Empire. Well, he outdid himself with today’s birthday greeting, sent just minutes after the stroke of midnight via posting on his Telegram messaging channel:

“God save the Tsar! Putin rules the country confidently and unhurriedly. And it shall always be so. Well, almost.” [Guy Faulconbridge, Reuters, October 7, 2024.]

Not sure what he meant by “almost.” Perhaps it’s the fact that, at 72, Putin has already outlived his life expectancy (in Russia) by three years. That’s seriously creepy, Dugin.

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And then there was the quick turn-around by Chechen leader Ramzan Kadyrov, who had spent the previous week ripping into Putin’s handling (or mishandling) of the war in Ukraine. Seeking to cover his rather substantial yagoditsy (literally, buttocks), he praised the birthday boy for his support of Chechnya “in the most difficult times,” as follows:

“Russian President Vladimir Putin played a key role in the fate of the Chechen people,” adding that Putin had “saved the republic [and] raised [it] from ruins. Today, neither the collective West, nor Europe, nor even Ukraine can dispute this obvious and indisputable fact. And it will always be so! Putin has changed the world position of Russia and forced us to reckon with the position of our great state!” [Isabel van Brugen, Newsweek, October 7, 2024.]

Wow! That’s just beautiful.

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But wait — there’s one more. I should have known Aleksandr Lukashenko, Belarus’ presumptive president, wouldn’t forget his BFF’s big day.

His birthday message read: “Your deep understanding of Russia’s historic mission, personal responsibility for the fate of the people and the Fatherland have become a reliable guarantee of strengthening its statehood and sovereignty.” [Elena Giordano, Politico, October 7, 2024.]

When he’s no longer leading the people of Belarus to disaster, Lukashenko clearly has a future with Hallmark . . . don’t you agree?

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And there was a tightrope-walking message from Armenia’s Prime Minister, Nikol Pashinyan, who has lately been sucking up . . . sorry, fostering closer ties to the EU:

“Dear Vladimir Vladimirovich, please accept my sincere congratulations and best wishes on your birthday. We believe that at this stage, the need for consistent activities aimed at strengthening the mutually beneficial cooperation between the Republic of Armenia and the Russian Federation in all areas of mutual interest is of particular importance . . . I wish you, dear Vladimir Vladimirovich, health, success and all the best.” [Id.]

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And that seems to be it. Nothing — at least not publicly — from dear friends Kim Jong Un, Xi Jinping, or the Ayatollah Ali Khamanei. [Id.]

It must have been a very quiet party. I do hope that someone in the Kremlin — perhaps Medvedev, Lavrov, or good old dependable Peskov — at least remembered to buy you a necktie.

I would add a lengthy, extravagant message of my own, Vladimir Vladimirovich, but it would hardly be appropriate. First of all, you don’t know me, so it would be meaningless. And secondly, I don’t like you. I mean . . . I really don’t like you.

But, happy birthday, anyway.

Just sayin’ . . .

Brendochka
10/7/24