When I think of all the years I blindly and adamantly avoided all social media — judging it a total waste of my valuable time, and worse, a dangerous grazing ground for scammers and hackers — I can’t believe I’m actually writing this! My friends and business colleagues couldn’t understand how I — an otherwise fairly intelligent and up-to-date human being — could be so far behind the times. And I couldn’t understand how they could allow themselves to be sucked into such meaningless twaddle (as I thought of it).

Yet, here I am, addressing you on Facebook. How did that happen? What lightning strike caused such a dramatic change of mind and heart?

Quite simply, it was something called boredom. And a blog.

Newly retired, with lots of time on my hands, I needed to fill the hours that had once been occupied with a long morning rush hour, work (the kind that paid a living wage), and an even longer evening rush hour. That was about ten hours a day. There were factors that made it impossible for me to do the traveling I would have loved after retiring, so I looked for something closer to home. And I began to write.

First I wrote a book. That took about two years. And there it now sits, in a big pink three-ring binder: 300-plus pages of non-fiction in search of a publisher or a literary agent willing to read it. Anyone have any ideas? I’m good with words; I don’t know sh*t about promoting myself.

And then I had an epiphany: I could publicize the fact that I’d written this book by writing a blog. It wouldn’t require a publisher or an agent up front, and it would, of course, go viral — just like those vapid little “influencers” who tell you what cosmetics to use and what TV shows to watch and what cruises to take. Surely I’m worth as much as they are. Right?

Well, apparently not. I love writing my blog every day and — as I hit that “Publish” key, and “Share” to FB — feeling that thrill of anticipation that this is the one that will do it for me. And I adore the half dozen or so loyal friends who actually show up to read my words.

But no publisher. No agent. No viral. Nothing. Nada. Zilch.

Still, it hasn’t been a total loss — not by any means. Because aside from the nearly orgasmic pleasure of reaching for that “Publish” key every day, I have — to my everlasting surprise — discovered so much just from scanning through FB’s endless variety of offerings.

For example, just today I learned . . .

– that actor Donald Sutherland would have been 89 years old today . . . if he hadn’t died last month.

– that some guy I never heard of is happy to help out around the house because he appreciates everything his wife does.

– that some crazy lady I never heard of is happy to welcome the black bears that regularly show up on her porch and climb her trees.

– that the British royal family is always “freaking out” about something or other.

– that there is a thing called the “Great Pumpkin Tabletop Tree,” featuring Peanuts characters, for your Halloween decor — and it will only set you back $139.99.

– that Kanye West’s new wife showed up nearly naked in public again . . . and again wasn’t arrested.

– that someone I knew years ago had some yummy food today.

– that another woman I don’t know loves her grandchildren.

– the meaning of the lyrics to Bohemian Rhapsody. (At last, something useful!).

– how to paint flowers on a rock.

– where to buy all sorts of weird stuff.

– that a lot of people get sucked into buying all sorts of weird stuff. Every single day.

– that David Hasselhoff is 72. (Whoa!)

– that AI still has trouble replicating people’s hands . . . and the stairs in “Tiny Houses.”

– that Tiny Houses apparently don’t have bathrooms or closets.

– that there is a frightening number of Bridezillas (and other “zillas”) out there.

– that baby animals are adorable. (Okay, I already knew that.)

– that a lot of sleazy people will do anything for publicity. (Knew that, too.)

– that a lot of stupid people will gladly bare their souls to the world, and actually ask millions of other stupid people they’ve never met for life-altering advice.

– and that once you post something on FB, unless you delete it, it never really goes away; it just keeps getting re-posted, and re-posted, and re-posted . . .

*. *. *

And that’s just a small fraction of the content that’s out there, every single day. And I haven’t even mentioned all the ads for everything from the good stuff (like beautiful leather-bound books) to junk that will fall apart when you take it out of the package — if the package ever arrives in the first place and then you have to deal with your credit card company to get them to back out the charge so be really careful who you order stuff from because some of them aren’t really everything they say they are.

*. *. *

There is an up-side, though. Just as I was beginning to think I’d been right all along, and that social media was a big fat waste of time and energy, I realized that I’d actually found a bunch of old friends (a few, sadly, in cemeteries) that I’d lost touch with years ago. And reconnecting with the live ones has been an indescribable joy.

Facebook has also enabled me to keep in touch with what’s going on in my neighborhood and general vicinity. I might otherwise never have known about the local Fourth of July festivities, or the upcoming repaving of our nearby main road. Or that an old friend has become a grandmother for the first time, and another is living the good life in Spain.

So I’ve decided that scrolling through Facebook is like shopping at a big discount store: you have to plow through a lot of tref before you finally get to the good stuff. But the good stuff can be amazing.

Just sayin’ . . .

Brendochka
7/18/24