What a cute idea: a robotic, suitcase-sized warming oven on wheels to deliver hot meals anywhere, any time (it even sees in the dark). It also senses obstacles, including people and animals, and somehow manages to navigate city streets without getting itself (or anyone else, hopefully) smashed to pieces.

There’s just one problem: It’s a Russkiy Robot. And it’s in Moscow. (Okay, that’s two problems.)

Have you ever been in Moscow? I have. It’s enormous, covering over 400 square miles, with a population of around 13 million (possibly not taking into account the hundreds of thousands who have recently fled to avoid being sent off to fight in Ukraine). And it’s a rabbit warren of avenues, prospects, small and large streets, plazas, lanes, pereuloks, all dotted with circles and squares that are anything but circular or square.

And during the months that I lived there in 1993, I never did figure out how anyone was able to find a particular address, since at the time there was no logic to the numbering of the buildings, and very few places actually had the building numbers shown on the exterior in any event — maybe to confuse foreign invaders. If so, it worked. If I hadn’t had a driver and access to taxis, I’d have been totally lost.

Add to that the miserable condition of so many of the streets and sidewalks, plus the Russian winter, and you’ve got . . . well, I haven’t seen them, but I’m imagining some pretty confused little ‘bots.

Now, as for this delivery service itself, reviews have been mixed, which is not surprising. The concept of service in Russia in general is still somewhat sketchy; and factoring in all the logistical issues, how long would it take to receive an order? And how does a robot ring a bell to gain entrance to a building, or speak to the customer inside to let them know their delivery has arrived? How does it open a door? How does it navigate stairs in a building without an elevator? How does it accept a cash tip? A GPS will take you as far as the entrance, but after that, you’re pretty much on your own. A delivery person can wing it; I don’t think “winging” has been programmed into a robot as yet. Which means that all the leg work — coming downstairs to open the door and accept the delivery — has to be done by the customer, presumably after receiving an alert on their iPhone. Still, it’s better than having to go out to Pizza Hut in all kinds of weather.

There must be a market for these cute little R2-D2 knockoffs if no less than Grubhub entered into an agreement with Yandex back in 2021 for use of their little suitcase cuties to deliver meals to students on U.S. college campuses, beginning with Ohio State University. And then Russia invaded Ukraine in February of 2022, and Grubhub — along with a plethora of other Western businesses — pulled out of Russia. And Ohio State’s students lost their little mechanical friends . . . at the same time the Russians lost their Pizza Huts.

Ah, the joys of doing business with one of the most unreliable countries in the world.

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But once I stopped ooh-ing and aah-ing over its cuteness, I had another thought about this little Russian marvel . . . I wondered whether, being Russian, it might have a second, hidden agenda. It is, after all, an electronic gizmo. In many ways, it reminds me of R2-D2, who was very, very smart. I assume little “Igor” is also pretty clever . . . as long as someone remembers to plug him in to recharge every night.

And on the assumption that his AI-created brain lives up to the Russian hype, what else might he be capable of handling? After all, food delivery is — on a 1-10 scale — pretty much a 3rd- or 4th-level career. And considering what it must have cost to develop this little electronic marvel, I can’t imagine that his creators wouldn’t have had bigger plans for him.

“Such as . . . ?” I hear you asking.

Well, such as capturing customers’ personal information: names, addresses, and those all-important credit card numbers, for a wide variety of devious (and presumably profitable) purposes. You know . . . identity theft.

Or snapping photos and recording conversations of Russian citizens in compromising situations, or . . . worst of all offenses! . . . criticizing the government, the military, or calling the “special military operation” a “war.” Wouldn’t the Igors be the cutest little stool pigeons!

Or somehow planting incriminating evidence at pre-determined spots. I’m guessing “entrapment” is not a forbidden concept under the Russian judicial system.

Or even . . . No! I can’t finish that thought. Don’t ask.

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“Impossible?” “Science fiction?” Perhaps. But I wonder what Alexei Navalny, Aleksandr Litvinenko, Sergei Skripal and Vladimir Kara-Murza would think?

Just sayin’ . . .

Brendochka
2/20/24