If you’re a news junky like I am, life can seem pretty depressing a lot of the time. And just when you’re about ready to pull the covers over your head and stay there until the next millennium, you miraculously stumble across an article that not only makes you laugh out loud, but actually cheers you up. Because even while our fellow homo sapiens continue to let us down, we can always find the good — and the fun — in our non-human companions . . . in this case, some incredibly beautiful African gray parrots from the United Kingdom.

According to the January 23rd article by Issy Ronald of CNN-London, it all started back in 2020, when five African grays were donated to the Lincolnshire Wildlife Park in eastern England. It was soon found to be necessary to isolate the questionable quintet from the general population in order to prevent the spread of — not a disease — but a really bad habit they had picked up somewhere, and to try to rehabilitate the foul-mouthed felons. You see, those five were guilty of extreme profanity: they swore like a bunch of fugitives from a prison chain gang.

But somehow, the phenomenon seems already to have cropped up elsewhere, because this week three newly donated birds — named Eric, Captain, and Sheila — arrived at Lincolnshire, spouting language that would make a longshoreman blush. According to the park’s chief executive, Steve Nichols:

“When we came to move them, the language that came out of their carrying boxes was phenomenal, really bad. Not normal swear words, these were proper expletives.” [CNN, Jan. 23, 2024.]

So the crew at the zoo are trying a new tactic: putting the “eight really, really offensive, swearing parrots with 92 non-swearing ones” in the hope that the eight little hoodlums will learn “all the nice noises like microwaves and vehicles reversing” that most of the others favor. But if the opposite happens, and the well-behaved birds pick up the naughty habits from the Gang of Eight, well then . . . “it’s going to turn into some adult aviary.”

Mr. Nichols further explained that, since parrots echo the precise sounds they hear, six of the eight have men’s voices, two have women’s voices, and when they’re all swearing at once, it’s rather . . . well . . . a unique experience, and not in a good way.

The park has placed large warning signs for the visitors, but thus far they have not received any complaints. In fact, the visitors seem to delight in swearing at the parrots, which could screw up the whole flocking program.

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So we’ll just have to wait to see how this all plays out. In the meantime, if you find yourself in eastern England and decide to visit the aviary at the Lincolnshire Wildlife Park, please give my best to Eric, Captain, Sheila, and all the other foul-mouthed fowl. And don’t be surprised, as you walk by, to hear one of them call out, “Eff off, ye old battleaxe!”

I wonder . . . are their accents more London or Liverpool?

Brendochka
1/25/24