Let’s take a little (most welcome) break from international politics and diplomacy today, and have some fun.

A couple of weeks ago, I mentioned that I was going to try reviewing CNN’s “Good Stuff “ column on Saturdays in search of possible inspiration for my own jottings. The well of good news has been a little dry lately, but I did spot one item that caught my fancy last week. It was about the Tree of the Year award, the brainchild of the good people at the Woodland Trust in Lincolnshire, England. According to the article, this year . . .

“ . . . thirteen of the UK’s very best trees will compete for the title. These old trees are pillars of their communities (literally), having survived bombings, blight, arson and the creeping effects of industrialization. One shaded picnics held by Queen Elizabeth, and another solemnly presides over a World War I monument. Some are more than 500 years old. No matter who wins, they are all Very Good Trees.”

I think that’s lovely . . . I do. Odd, but lovely. And of course it started me thinking of other things that might be appropriate, or just plain fun, as subjects to compete for similar awards (if they don’t already exist). And off we go . . .

1. Stupid Thief of the Month Award: I remember one from years back that occurred in Washington, D.C. (and no, I’m sorry, but government officials do not count as thieves for purposes of this award). In the case I recall, a man broke into a young woman’s apartment, not to harm her, but simply to demand money. Not having much cash available, the woman very cleverly offered to write the man a check, just to get rid of him. And he took it . . . giving her his full name to write on the check! I don’t have to tell you what happened when he went to her bank the next day to try to cash it. You really can’t fix stupid.

2. Best Fire Hydrant Award: Since it would be difficult to poll the neighborhood dogs on this one, our principal criterion for judging would have to be our own observation of how many canines use a specific hydrant in a given period of time. It’s a stinkin’ job, but somebody’s gotta do it. And the look of satisfaction on this pooch’s face makes it all worthwhile.

3. Worst Blind Date of the Year Award: There must be plenty of candidates for this one, particularly in this age of online dating sites. In fact, I wouldn’t have to think too hard to remember a couple of my own from way back when. And on the subject of dogs, I do recall the blind date who actually showed up with his dog: a lovely pup, about the size of a Doberman . . . who only understood French! All evening this guy spent more time talking to the dog than to me: “Asseyez toi! Asseyez toi!” And of course we couldn’t take the chien into a restaurant or a movie theater, so it was pretty much some carry-out food on a park bench, and a couple of hours of sightseeing in a city I already knew very well, stopping at every other tree for a sniff and a leg-lift. Definitely a first and last date.

I doubt we’d have much trouble finding judges for this category, since we’d be able to guarantee them a boatload of laughs in payment for their time. So start thinking, folks.

4. Worst Parking Job Award: We’d have to break this one into two categories: parallel parking and front-end parking. And special demerit stickers would be given to the ones who parked over the line part-way into a handicap parking space. I’d like to be one of the judges for this one, please (pictured below). And how on earth do you suppose the driver got out of the car?

5. Funniest Sign On a Business Award: There are some really creative people out there, as I’m sure you’ve seen, and this would be another one that would be fun to judge. If you’d like to sponsor an entry, just send in your pictures. There’s no prize, but — again — a lot of belly laughs.

6. Neighborhood Exhibitionist of the Year Award: You know, the couple who don’t close their blinds when . . . yeah, them. And sorry, no picture for this one.

7. Prettiest Snowflake of the Storm Award: That’ll keep the judges busy for a while!

8. Most Irritating TV Commercial Award: I’m not sure we could ever have a consensus on this one — there are just so many. And finding judges to stay awake through all of them would be nearly impossible. So perhaps we should just skip it.

9. Most Campaign Signs In Front Yard Award: We’re coming up to an election year, folks, so get ready!

10. Worst-Dressed Boy and Girl In School Award. When I was in high school, everyone wanted to be the best-dressed, the star athlete, the smartest . . . The best at something. Today it seems to be just the opposite. Have you looked at the way the kids are allowed to leave the house today? Well, whatever . . . Let’s at least give them props for imagination.

*. *. *

Okay . . . that should be enough; I’m sure you’ve gotten the idea by now. Please feel free to send in your entries for more categories; this could be the start of its own website.

Just having fun . . .
Brendochka
9/2/23