I’d like to be a polyglot . . . and not just because it’s a funny word. I actually know people who speak multiple languages fluently, and I marvel at the way they are able to keep them all straight. I’m an American, so of course English is my native language. And I’m from a generation that was required to learn to read, write, and speak it properly. We were drilled, day after day and year after year, in grammar, vocabulary, spelling . . . and even penmanship. So I am one of that rapidly vanishing breed of Americans who can tell an adjective from an adverb.

Well, good for me. But unfortunately, that’s where it stops. My generation — although we can conjugate a verb, avoid splitting an infinitive, and spell words like “supercalifragilisticexpialidocious” — unfortunately were not given the same encouragement when it came to learning other languages. It was only as an adult that I chose to study a second language on my own time and at my own expense, just for fun. And I chose Russian, of all things! Боже мой! (Translation: OMG!)

But that’s a whole other story. I’ll never be fluent in Russian, and I am astonished at the ability of today’s Russians, Czechs, Chinese, Saudis, Brazilians — in fact, the entire world — to learn English almost as though they’d been born to it. Note that I said “almost.” Because there is much about English that still baffles even those of us who actually were born here, myself included.

For example . . .

There are a bunch of two-letter words, spelled and pronounced exactly the same way: go, so, no, lo, yo!, and ho-ho-ho. Long “o” — right? Then why, I ask you, is “do” pronounced “doo”? And what about the fraternal twins: “weight” (long “a”) and “height” (long “i”)? And why do they need the “gh” in there anyway? They’re silent, for Heaven’s sake. Also, remember the old rule: “i” before “e,” except after “c,” or when pronounced like “a,” as in “neighbor” and “weigh”? Go back and look at “height” again. Shouldn’t it be pronounced “hate”?

Then we have words like “there” . . . and “their” . . . and “they’re.” Or how about the difference between “lie” and “lay” — and their past- and past-participle tenses, giving us “lie,” “lay” and “lain,” along with “lay,” “laid” and “laid.” And have you ever tried to explain to a person just learning English why “past” and “passed” are pronounced the same? Or the difference between “its” and “it’s” or “whose” and “who’s”?

I could go on like this for days, but you really don’t want me to, and you’ve already gotten the point anyway. But, lest you think I’m picking exclusively on the English language, let me point out one of my favorite peculiarities of the Russian language (and there are thousands of them). There is a word pronounced “pole” (or “poll,” if you prefer), that has two different meanings in Russian: “floor” . . . and “sex.” No joke. So be very careful if you’re looking to hire a Russian housekeeper who “does floors.”

[Note: that’s actually “sex” as in “gender,” not the act; but the first time I saw it in a Russian-English dictionary, I laughed so hard I nearly fell on the “pole.”]

There are a few words I can say in several different languages: yes, no, hello, goodbye, please, thank you, and bathroom, plus one or two curse words for the occasional bad day — all of which I found to be essential during my travels to a bunch of European countries. And even in England, where they speak English with a slew of regional accents and dialects (much as we do in the U.S.), there were differences between British English and American English that were quite pointedly made clear to me in various situations. In a London restaurant, I was told by a waiter that the “check” was actually the “bill”; and the hotel concierge corrected me when I foolishly asked for a “cab” instead of a “taxi.” Also, the subway is the “tube” or “underground”; and in some places the restroom is the more informal “loo” — though probably not at Buckingham Palace.

*. *. *

Yes, languages and their nuances are wonderfully complex things, and they’re a huge part of what defines a nation and its people as unique and separate from all others. Which, to me, seems like an altogether good thing. I’ll never understand why so many people have a hard time with that.

Just sayin’ . . .

Brendochka
8/5/23