So you’ve worked your whole adult life, taking care of business, taking care of your family, doing all the right things — just so you could retire someday and take it easy. And now, at last, that time is right around the corner, and your friend at work asks you what you’re going to do when you don’t have to get up early and come to work anymore. And you say the first day you’re going to set the alarm clock as usual, and when it jolts you awake at 6:30 in the morning, you’re going to pick it up and hurl it across the room and roll over for another couple of hours of blissful sleep. And then for the rest of that day you’re going to hang around in your pajamas and watch TV and eat raw cookie dough until it’s time to go online to GrubHub and order $100 worth of Chinese takeout for dinner.

Then your friend asks, “And what about the second day?” And you don’t have an answer.

But then you remember: you do have a plan, of sorts. You’ve been smart and made your bucket list well in advance, so you go and find that list when you get home that night, and remind yourself of all the things you’ve been wanting to do: climb Machu Picchu, take that cruise around the Greek Islands, sign up for Salsa dance lessons, read the entire set of Great Books you bought 25 years ago . . . maybe even write a book of your own, or take up painting and become another Grandma Moses.

That’s if you’re single.

If you have a husband, wife, or live-in significant other, that’s a whole different ballgame. Let’s say you’re a man who’s lucky enough to have been happily married to the same lovely woman for 45 years. The kids have long since moved away — well, except for the one who keeps running into bad luck and coming back home from time to time — and you and your wife now have to decide on activities you’ll both enjoy. You’d like to rent that RV and drive to Alaska for some salmon fishing; she wants to renovate the kitchen. Or you want to build that sexy little red sports car out of spare parts; and she’d rather take French cooking lessons — in Paris.

Or if you’re a woman who’s been putting up with . . . oh, excuse me, happily married to . . . the same wonderful man for those 45 years, just reverse the above examples. And don’t forget to retrieve that honey-do list that’s been buried in the junk drawer since Jimmy Carter was President. And you both need to remember that everything has to be planned around the dates you promised to babysit with your six — or is it seven now? — grandkids so their parents can take their dream vacations.

So you sit down together and once more fall back on that solid ingredient of every successful marriage: compromise. One for him, and one for her. First, will it be salmon fishing or a new kitchen? Considering the length of that ride to Alaska with the two of you confined to an RV for weeks on end, the traffic you’ll encounter, days of bad weather, only to wind up catching cold from the damp, rainy Alaska climate, and ending up with a couple of fish you could have bought at the local fish market at home for maybe $25 apiece . . . well, this was probably not the best idea.

On the other hand, a new kitchen will last the rest of your lives and add resale value to your house so that your kids will see a bigger profit from it when you’re both dead and gone. So, score one for the wife: new kitchen it is.

Next: sports car or trip to Paris? Admittedly, two round-trip tickets to Paris, plus hotel and meals, the cost of the cooking lessons, and the likely shopping trips (because who goes to Paris without buying a few couture items you’ll probably never wear but will make your friends green with envy?) — well, that’s all horribly expensive. But what else have you been saving and scrimping for all your lives? To leave it to those same ungrateful kids? No? Okay, then — maybe you can afford it after all.

But how about that little red bomb you’ve been dreaming about since you were 16? You already know where to get the parts, you’ve got the manual on how to build it, and you could work on it in . . . oops, wait a minute. The garage! You’ve forgotten about that. It’s jam-packed with a lifetime’s collection of stuff — mostly junk, but not entirely, so it would have to be carefully gone through and cleared out, some of it to be donated, some to be offered in a garage sale, some to be trashed . . . That’s a shitload of back-breaking work before you can even start on the car. And if you manage to do all that, and you actually finish creating your beautiful, sleek little chick magnet, when and where are you ever going to drive it? To the orthopedist’s office? The supermarket? The courthouse to pay the speeding tickets? Suddenly, Paris is starting to look really good. So, score one for the wife.

Hey — wait just a damned minute! That’s two out of two for the wife!!!

You’re not seriously going to try to tell me you’re surprised, are you? Face it, buddy — marriage after retirement isn’t much different than the first 45 years, except that you spend a lot more time together. So just call in the kitchen designer, and while your wife is busy with that project, you can start reading the guide books to seeing Paris on $100 a day. (And good luck with that!)

*. *. *

But let’s say that life has thrown you some curves over the years and you’ve lost your soulmate too soon; or maybe you’ve kicked the bum out the door years ago, and you’re a single woman again. Time to revisit those earlier options: Machu Picchu, the Greek islands, Salsa lessons, the Great Books, a second career as a writer or painter or whatever you’re good at. At least you don’t have to worry about having to compromise with anyone, although there still may be the issue of the grandkids. But what the hell — you’ve done your years of child rearing; let their parents take care of them and wait their turn for retirement. Now is your time; it’s okay to be a little bit selfish.

First, those trips to Peru and Greece. Both sound heavenly! So it’s “eenie-meenie,” and you decide on the Greek Island cruise, buy the latest travel guides, and hunker down for an evening of pizza and planning. First, do you want to ask a friend to go with you, or would you rather go solo? Having a friend along would make sure you don’t ever have to dine alone on the ship, but might also create some of those compromise issues, and could get in the way of your meeting a gorgeous, suntanned, gray-haired Greek shipping magnate and indulging in a thoroughly scandalous romantic interlude. So, solo it is. And you’ve found exactly the trip you want, and it’s only . . . HOLY SHIT!!! It can’t cost that much, can it? Well, sure it can. First, there’s the round-trip plane fare to Greece, then the single stateroom on the ship, and although the meals are included, the drinks, tips, amenities, shore excursions, shopping, taxes and fees are not. OMG . . . there goes a big chunk of your 401(k), right out the porthole.

So . . . okay, let’s consider a Plan B. Maybe you could meet Mr. Hunky at Salsa lessons. But your left knee isn’t doing so well, which is why you didn’t choose Machu Picchu in the first place, and you’d hate to make a fool of yourself on the dance floor. And how likely is it that any guy taking Salsa lessons by himself is going to be more than a “5” on a “10” scale anyway? So, where else can you go to have a little fun and maybe meet someone interesting? You’re clearly too old for the bar scene. Church? You already know all those people and they’re mostly married couples. Online dating? Good God, no!! Not in a million years — not with the horror stories you’ve heard. So, if there is to be a second love in your life, you’re just going to have to hope you’ll find him squeezing melons at the farmer’s market at the same time you are.

Now we’re down to reading, writing, or arts and crafts. How thrilling! Have you really worked all your life to end up with your nose buried in a book or a pottery wheel? Hell, no . . . so let’s try again.

Night classes at the local college? Lots of interesting subjects out there that attract both men and women: history, foreign languages, politics, auto mechanics, English lit., computer science. A definite possibility, though there is the issue of homework. So, score “maybe” on that one. Or there’s volunteer work — so many people needing a helping hand. Good one. Or even a part-time job, something fun instead of just a paycheck. But that’s too much like the past half-century of alarm clocks and commuting. Sigh!

So what is the answer?

Well, it seems the answer is . . . there is no single right answer for everyone. Because all of our lives have been different, all of our current situations (and limitations) are different, and all of our likes and dislikes are different. So whatever seems to suit you, stop with the excuses, get off your behind, and just go for it. Only one word of advice: Make the most of whatever time is allotted to you. Like the money through the porthole, time has wings . . . so enjoy.

Oh, yeah . . . and one more thing: Lay off the cookie dough before you can’t get up off the couch!

TTFN,
Brendochka
7/10/23