I once stayed up all night to finish reading Dan Brown’s blockbuster novel, “The Da Vinci Code.” (The Tom Hanks movie was also excellent . . . but then, I’d watch Tom Hanks if he acted in a Jell-o commercial.)

Recently, I decided to catch up on a couple of other books by Dan Brown that I had missed along the way, and am now about 100 pages into “Inferno.” Based on the title, you can probably guess that it references the epic poem of the same name written in the 14th century by Dante Alighieri as part of his immortal trilogy, “The Divine Comedy.”

And that started me thinking about all of the people alive today who would be the most likely candidates for consignment to Dante’s imaginary hell: murderers, rapists, most politicians, autocrats, oligarchs, co-conspirators of Jeffrey Epstein, an occasional insurance adjuster, and one or two ex-boyfriends.

But how to determine which circle each of the vile creatures belonged in? So I did a little reading and gave it some thought; and it turns out that the worst of them — the ones on my list, in any event — would actually qualify for multiple levels of eternal agony. So let’s play a little game: I’ll just identify the nine circles, and let you draw up your own list of sinners and reach your own conclusions:

• First Circle (Limbo): This is just for “virtuous pagans and unbaptized people” who cannot enter Heaven, but must experience eternal longing. (That might be good for those ex-boyfriends.)
• Second Circle (Lust): Souls are blown about by violent, hurricane-like winds, representing their being “swept away” by passion.
• Third Circle (Gluttony): Sinners wallow in freezing, putrid slush and rain, watched over by Cerberus.

• Fourth Circle (Greed): The hoarding and wasting of possessions causes souls to clash with huge weights.
• Fifth Circle (Wrath): The angry fight each other on the surface of the River Styx, while the sullen gurgle beneath the mud.
• Sixth Circle (Heresy): Those who challenged religious doctrines are trapped in flaming tombs.
• Seventh Circle (Violence): Divided into three rings for violence against neighbors (boiling blood), self (forest of thorns), and God/Nature (burning sand).
• Eighth Circle (Fraud): Known as Malebolge, this contains ten ditches for types of fraud, including panderers, flatterers, sorcerers, thieves, and hypocrites.
• Ninth Circle (Treachery): A frozen lake called Cocytus, where traitors are frozen in ice. It is divided into four zones: Caina (kin), Antenora (country), Ptolomea (guests), and Judecca (masters).
• Center of Hell: Where Satan himself is frozen waist-deep, eternally chewing on Brutus, Cassius, and Judas Iscariot.

*. *. *

Well, that takes care of my list. Who said online game-playing was a waste of time? I, for one, found it oddly therapeutic. Who needs Dungeons & Dragons when you’ve got Dante?

Just sayin’ . . .

Brendochka
3/11/26