As an animal lover, and a dog lover in particular, I have been happily slobbered over by a wide variety of fur babies throughout my lifetime . . . including, most memorably, a carriage horse named Nagano in Vancouver, British Columbia, and a gigantic Great Dane in the elevator of my apartment building in Virginia.

But never have I had the, uh, pleasure of being French-kissed by the likes of Ozzy, the four-year-old mastiff mix who just claimed the title for having the world’s longest tongue on a living dog. (I don’t know whether there’s a category for dead dogs . . . and frankly, I’d rather not find out.)

Measuring 7.83 inches (19.89 cm.), Ozzy’s prodigious protuberance surpasses the previous record holder’s by more than two inches. And judging from this photo, it appears to be too long to fit inside his mouth, where it actually belongs, without choking its owner.

So there it hangs, for all the world to marvel at. I should think it would dry out fairly quickly, thus requiring a constant supply of available water — most likely in a washtub, rather than a mere doggy bowl. And I wouldn’t want to be within a 10-foot perimeter when Ozzy decides to give his head a good shake.

But most interestingly, I’m trying to imagine how it would feel to be the object of Ozzy’s affections. He looks like a lovely fellow, possibly prone to lap-sitting and cuddling, despite his size. And when he decides to reward his loving owner — or, heaven forbid, a total stranger — with a giant slurp, I can only think it must feel like having your face scrubbed with a large slice of raw beef liver (but without the bloody residue).

But I jest.

Like all living creatures, human and otherwise, Ozzy has an imperfection. And that makes him unique and — in my opinion, at least — all the more adorable. If I were ever privileged to meet him, he would be welcome to move in for all of the hugs and big, sloppy kisses he would care to plant on me. I would ask only that his owners provide a towel.

So congratulations on your award, Ozzy. You’re a winner in every way, and I wish you a long, happy life with your loving family.

Just sayin’ . . .

Brendochka
12/10/25