As I muddle through my first full day of world-news detox — valiantly (I hope) ignoring the pinging of my phone each time another headline drops into my Inbox — my eye happens to rest on a follow-up to yesterday’s disturbing, yet somehow amusing, story of the theft of Homeland Security Secretary Kristi Noem’s purse in a D.C. restaurant. And it just gets funnier, as more details become available.

Some of the questions I posed yesterday have now been answered. The crime took place at Capital Burger, described as an “upscale burger restaurant” in a busy D.C. neighborhood heavily populated by many of the city’s better hotels and restaurants, and not far from the Convention Center.

Noem says that her purse was sitting by her feet underneath her seat. We don’t know how many people were with her, but a DHS spokesperson told the BBC:

“Her entire family was in town including her children and grandchildren — she was using the [$3,000] withdrawal to treat her family to dinner, activities, and Easter gifts.” [Madeline Halpert, BBC News, April 21, 2025.]

So I managed to pull up a lovely family photo, and it appears they may have numbered as many as ten at Sunday’s dinner.

For a burger joint, Capital Burger is not cheap (though judging from the menu, it may be well worth the price for those who can afford it). It’s still not clear why she needed $3,000 in cash — as much as (or more than) some families have to live on for an entire month — for a meal and some Easter gifts, when most people would use a credit card. But that’s her business, isn’t it?

Two big questions remain: First, how did the thief manage it? Did this masked cat burglar crawl by on his hands and knees, unnoticed by the crowd? Did he do a sudden cartwheel past their table, snatching the bag from the floor as he vaulted across the room and out the door to the street? Did he rappel from the ceiling on a wire?

Or have I just been watching too many old Cary Grant movies?

The second question is, to my mind, more important: What were the Secret Service detail doing at the time? Were they part of the dinner party? Eating at a separate table? Watching TV? On a bathroom break? Whatever the answer, they clearly weren’t focused on the person they were supposed to be protecting. And I suspect that — unlike a certain Secretary of Defense who seems able to commit the most serious security breaches without having to answer for them — there are some Secret Service agents in trouble today . . . as they should be.

As for the victim herself, she is not without culpability here. “Homeland Security,” by definition, begins at home. Shouldn’t that include being aware of one’s own safety at all times? Or does she not know the difference between life in Washington, D.C., and the ranch back in South Dakota?

Lesson #1, Kristi: Big cities contain all sorts of people, including spies, terrorists, and “ordinary” criminals of all types, from armed robbers to purse-snatchers. You have to be careful, even during happy family events.

It’s your job, for God’s sake!

Just sayin’ . . .

Brendochka
4/22/25