I’m getting a little tired of regurgitating the daily menu of bad news, and making endless lists of the things that are wrong with the world. So — with your indulgence — I’m going to try a little self-administered therapy today: I’m going to concentrate on things for which I am most thankful. And not just the usual things, like family, friends and reasonably good health . . . but some things we don’t always think about. Such as:

The Kardashians. No, I haven’t flown over the cuckoo’s nest . . . I am not thankful for their presence, but for the fact that they are so seldom in the news lately . . . and that goes for Ye (the scumbag formerly known as Kanye West) as well. Oh, there are the pop-up ads for Kim’s line of sleazy-looking . . . what? . . . I guess you’d call them some kind of apparel. But I can just ignore those. So, all in all, I’m grateful.

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And there’s much more that I’m thankful not to have to put up with any longer. For example, the constant presence of . . .

Justin Bieber. Same reason — he’s still out there, and I wish him only good things (and a better wardrobe). But he’s no longer front-page news every day, day after endless day, for doing nothing discernibly worthwhile. Grateful.

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World War II. It’s been over for 80 years. Hallelujah! Let’s not reincarnate it, shall we? Then we can all express our gratitude.

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Menopause. Been there, done that, survived it. Once was enough, thank you. Glad it’s over.

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Jello molds. Remember those? They always remind me of a line from one of my favorite sitcoms, The Golden Girls, when feisty old Sophia says, “If God had wanted peaches suspended in mid-air, He would have filled them with helium.” I’m with you, Sophia.

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Garter belts and girdles. Most uncomfortable things in the world. But we needed something to hold up our nylon stockings, until some genius invented panty hose.

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Panty hose. They were an improvement, but still not perfect because they didn’t always fit every figure. And then there were the defective ones, like the pair I was wearing one day when I left the office to run an errand and on the way back I felt the hose slipping slowly down . . . down . . . down . . . until the waistband was below my abdomen and the crotch was somewhere in the vicinity of my knees. Luckily, I was wearing a raincoat and was able to put my hands into the pockets, grab onto the waistband of the hose through my clothes, and keep them from hitting the ground as I Geisha-walked back to the office, where I removed them in the ladies’ room. But I did not throw them away; I took them home, washed them out that night, and the next day mailed them to the manufacturer with a rather hilarious explanatory note. P.S. — I received an apology and three pairs of correctly-sized replacements. Very grateful I only wear slacks and jeans now, so no need for the panty hose . . . ever.

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Beehive hairdos. I never had one, but I did have to look at them on other women. I always imagined them being full of things like insects and the unidentifiable stuff that’s always flying around in the air. Eeeew!

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Typewriter ribbons and carbon paper. I did love the feel of the keys on the IBM Model B electric typewriter . . . but not so much the accoutrements (good word!) that went with it, like the messy ribbons that invariably got ink all over your hands, and likewise the carbon paper for the multiple copies you had to make before there were Xerox machines. And don’t forget the WhiteOut and erasers to correct your errors. I will say, my typing was much more accurate in those days — it had to be, in the ancient times before “Delete” keys and Spellcheck.

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Come to think of it, the list of things we lived with in the past that have been superseded by something better is practically endless. But what’s new is not always an improvement. And if I were able to rid the world of just five things — not acts of nature, but manmade things that are within our control — it would be these:

Wars. Particularly the modern weaponry that allows us to slaughter thousands of people, hundreds of miles away, without ever having to put a human face on them.

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Artificial Intelligence. Frankly, AI scares the crap out of me. The thought of all of those brilliant people out there, creating technology to replace human beings (themselves included), is incomprehensible to me, and thus terrifying.

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Cilantro. Such a little thing, but I didn’t want to ask only for the big stuff. And it really does taste like soap.

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Politics. All right, I know this isn’t realistic . . . in a world of 8.2 billion people, we need some form of government. But a girl can dream, can’t she? Barring this one, though, I’ll settle for doing away with . . .

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The entire Trump administration. Actually, this should have been #1. Just send them back to their respective home states, and make them live on Social Security benefits.

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And that’s a wrap.

Just sayin’ . . .

Brendochka
3/27/25