Edgar Bergen (1903-78) was a mid-20th century ventriloquist well-known to radio and TV audiences as the voice of the dapper Charlie McCarthy and the countrified, not-so-bright Mortimer Snerd. Bergen and his playful characters were so beloved, they became almost real to those of us who lived in those much more innocent times.

And looking at that photograph in the context of today’s political environment, I can visualize other faces: Vladimir Putin, for example, as the ventriloquist, with any two members of his administration perched on his knees.

Or possibly — and even more ominously — with other, non-Russian adherents of Putin’s policies, such as Belarusian presumptive president Aleksandr “Mortimer” Lukashenko, and . . . let’s see, now . . . perhaps Donald Trump in place of the well-turned-out Charlie McCarthy?

Now, Charlie was a bright enough fellow, often getting the best of his verbal exchanges with Mr. Bergen. So let’s rename him Donnie, and assume he’s clever enough — and sufficiently ambitious — to bring along a few dummies of his own, perhaps named JD, Marco, and Steve.

“Steve? Steve who?” I hear you ask. Why, none other than the newest “expert” on U.S.-Russia relations . . . Donnie’s special envoy to the Middle East (yeah, I know, that doesn’t make any sense) . . . real estate entrepreneur par excellence Steve Witkoff.

What? You’re still asking “Steve who?” Don’t worry . . . so are a lot of people, myself included. So, here he is:

Recognize him now? He’s the one who does the perfect impression of Trump’s superior sneer. Maybe that’s how he got the interview for the job.

Uncanny, isn’t it?

But he needed more than just “the face” to nail the job itself. And that’s where he outshone any and all other candidates with his perfect mimicry of “The Trump Put-down.”

First he referred to Ukrainian President Zelensky’s refusal simply to hand over sovereign Ukrainian territory to Putin as “the elephant in the room” at the so-called peace talks in Saudi Arabia between Russia and the United States . . . to which, by the way, Ukraine was not even invited.

But man does not live by insults alone; we must also master the art of the kiss-up to those whom we’re trying to impress, and whose egos are at least as great as our own . . . in this case, none other than Vladimir Putin himself. And how better to broadcast one’s obeisance to the mighty Russian dictator than by way of an interview with the only journalist guaranteed not to disagree with him: the one, the only (thank God!) . . . Tucker Carlson?

Following his meeting with Putin in Moscow, Witkoff told Carlson that he “liked” the Russian president:

“I don’t regard Putin as a bad guy. He’s super smart,” Witkoff proclaimed. He said that Putin had been “gracious” and “straight up” with him; had told Witkoff he prayed for Trump after last year’s assassination attempt; and had said he even had a portrait of Trump commissioned and presented it to Trump, who was “clearly touched by it.” [Id.]

Parroting some of Putin’s own claims, Witkoff wondered when the world would recognize occupied Ukrainian territory as Russian, and went on to add:

“There’s a sensibility in Russia that Ukraine is just a false country, that they just patched together in this sort of mosaic, these regions, and that’s what is the root cause, in my opinion, of this war, that Russia regards those five regions ** as rightfully theirs since World War Two, and that’s something nobody wants to talk about.” [Id.]

** The five regions at least partially under Russian control at the present time: Crimea, Donetsk, Lukhansk, Kherson, and Zaporizhzhia — three of which Witkoff was unable to name.

I have a question here: Doesn’t anyone in the Trump administration own a freakin’ history book??!!!

*. *. *

And, as to any further expansionist goals on Russia’s part, Witkoff went on to ask: “Why would they want to absorb Ukraine? For what purpose? They don’t need to absorb Ukraine . . . They have reclaimed these five regions. They have Crimea and they have gotten what they want. So why do they need more?” [Id.]

Again . . . history, you nimrod! Read your Russian/Soviet/Russian history — and not just since World War Two, but all the way back to the Russian Primary Chronicle and Kyivan Rus’.

*. *. *

But wait . . . there’s more. (There always seems to be more.)

British Prime Minister, Sir Keir Starmer, recently put forth a plan for an international force to support a ceasefire in Ukraine, to which Witkoff had this to say:

“I think it’s a combination of a posture and a pose and a combination of also being simplistic. There is this sort of notion that we have all got to be like [British wartime prime minister] Winston Churchill. Russians are going to march across Europe. That is preposterous by the way. We have something called Nato [sic] that we did not have in World War Two.” [Id.]

Right . . . that’s the same NATO that Trump has threatened — how many times? — to leave if those “simplistic” Europeans don’t cough up a larger share of the costs.

*. *. *

Well, every performance has to have a spectacular finish, and this one was no exception. In an attempt to reassure his audience that a ceasefire in the Black Sea would be “implemented over the next week or so [and] we are not far away” from a full 30-day ceasefire (as meanwhile the missiles and drones continue to blast away at cities throughout Ukraine), Witkoff described Trump’s desire to cooperate with Russia once relations have been normalized:

“Who doesn’t want to have a world where Russia and the US are doing collaboratively good things together, thinking about how to integrate their energy policies in the Arctic, share sea lines [sic] maybe, send LNG gas into Europe together, maybe collaborate on AI together?” [Id.]

Right. Just as Little Red Riding Hood trusted the Big Bad Wolf to lead her to Grandmother’s house.

And we all know what happened to her.

Just sayin’ . . .

Brendochka
3/24/25