We all know what’s been going on; the headlines are so full of it, it’s pushed everything else onto the back burner. The wars, the natural disasters, the plane crashes . . . they might never have happened, for all the attention they’re getting now. And most of us are feeling like this:

Because it’s all about what this guy has been doing since his coronation . . . sorry . . . inauguration, just 18 days ago.

Just him, and his loyal Space Cadet, here:

Between them, they’ve not only begun trying to deconstruct and reconstruct the entire U.S. government . . . they’re intent on building an empire — greater than the Mongol, Roman, Ottoman, British and Russian Empires combined — one that would cover the entire globe.

And, if this century’s answer to Flash Gordon can ever get his rockets off the launch pad, he’d like to include Mars, for good measure.

But leaving the other planets aside for the moment, the daring duo have started with a far-flung quartet of lands to be conquered right here on Earth. We’ve already heard about the plans for Canada as a 51st state; Greenland, where many of the residents are allegedly thrilled at the idea of becoming Americans; the Panama Canal, which the Panamanians have been dying to give back anyway; and Gaza, where the Palestinian folks are ecstatic at the prospect of being resettled somewhere else, and the neighboring countries are undoubtedly ready and anxious to welcome them with open arms.

And we may as well throw Mexico into the mix, as soon as the new tariffs destroy what’s left of their economy. After all, the Gulf of Mexico no longer exists; why not just take the rest of the country along with it? Make that No. 52.

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But all of this started me thinking: Why stop there? If you’re going to build an empire, don’t do it halfway. Go big or go home . . . right?

So what’s next? Well, how about Ukraine? They’ve got vast, fertile farmlands, rare earth minerals, churches full of historic treasures — all worth a fortune on the world market. And they’re so worn down from three years of defending themselves against Russia, they’d hardly put up a fight, in all likelihood. The only problem would be our having to come to some sort of a sharing agreement with Vladimir Putin, which wouldn’t be easy.

Unless he’d like Russia to become the 53rd U.S. state . . .

Then maybe we could make the UK an offer. They’ve got the Crown jewels, castles and palaces filled to the turrets with more of those historic treasures; mysterious Stonehenge; and, of course, the Tower of London to house all the undocumented people. The late Queen Elizabeth II would never have gone for it, but Charles seems like a bit of a pushover. Anyway, it’s worth a try.

Of course, there’s always little Switzerland — not a lot of real estate, but banks full of money from all over the globe, world-class ski resorts, and just for pleasure, there’s all that delicious cheese and chocolate. I’m sure the Emperor and his First Fool could use a couple of beautiful new Swiss watches as well.

And since money seems to mean almost as much as absolute power to this pair, I hear the Vatican is loaded. So why not go all out and grab the Holy See? I imagine the world’s Catholics wouldn’t mind genuflecting to their new spiritual leaders . . . though in all fairness, I doubt the Pope would give in without an argument.

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Well, that’s all I have to offer at the moment, but I think it’s a pretty good start . . . it should keep them busy for a few months, at the very least.

Only . . . uh-oh! There is one major sticking point:

I foresee trouble in Paradise, when Washington’s very own Don Quixote takes a break from tilting at windmills and tunes in to Fox News, only to find that his Sancho Panza has become the more talked-about, the bigger news item, and — already being the richest person in the world — the more powerful of the pair.

And all without having had to stand for election.

Just sayin’ . . .

Brendochka
2/7/25