On the heels of the news that TikTok may be banned in the United States if its present parent company, ByteDance, doesn’t sell its U.S. assets by January 19th, along came the inevitable rumors concerning prospective buyers. And of course, the first name that came to mind for many — in fact, probably most — people was . . . drumroll, please . . .

Elon Musk.

Well, that’s no surprise. After all, who else would have both the money and the chutzpah to be able to pull it off?

Frankly, as a non-TikTok user, I don’t care who buys it. And I’m not about to get into a discussion here as to the free-speech-vs-national-security issue. But if it did turn out to be Musk’s newest venture, I can’t help wondering what he would rename it. Under his stewardship, “Twitter” inexplicably became “X” . . . so what would be TikTok’s fate?

I don’t claim to possess an imagination anywhere close to Musk’s. Let’s face it: not many people do. Honestly . . . do you know anyone else who would name a child “X AE A-12,” “Techno Mechanicus,” or “Exa Dark Siderael”? I mean, aside from the issue of cruelty, that’s just weird.

However, I did manage to come up with a couple of possibilities for his consideration . . . not that he needs my help. But just for fun, how about one of these:

Elon’s Eloi: In the H.G. Wells novel, The Time Machine, the Eloi are descendants of the British elite, which should fit nicely into Musk’s recent obsession with all things British.

Toys Я We: Yes, it’s a knock-off name, but it would be a grammatically correct appellation for Musk’s newest plaything.

QJZ: No particular logic here — just a meaningless, Musk-ish, unpronounceable grouping of consonants. And since they do happen to be the most valuable letters on the Scrabble board, they would probably appeal to his inherently money-centric nature as well.

Donnie: An homage to you-know-whom, because it’s what narcissistic BFFs do to feed one another’s egos.

. . . and finally . . .

Screw-You-China: This one should be self-explanatory, and completely in line with the incoming administration’s philosophy of the best way to conduct international relations.

As an afterthought, it occurs to me that he might even name it Mexico or Canada, since — if his best buddy has his way — one or both of those names could soon be available for use.

Just sayin’ . . .

Brendochka
1/15/25