In the days before anyone even thought of being “politically correct,” there was a man named Christopher Columbus, who managed to talk Queen Isabella of Spain into financing his venture to find a new sea route to the Orient. Goodness knows what a load of malarkey he had to feed her in order for her to cough up the necessary funds, but — luckily for us — it worked.

We all — or at least those of us who paid attention in U.S. History class — know that Columbus has, correctly or not, long been credited with finding the “New World,” now known as the Americas.

We also know that the dummkopf really believed he was carving out that supposed new route to China. But that’s beside the point. The point is that, after six grueling months at sea, his three ships — the Nina, Pinta, and Santa Maria — made history by finally reaching land somewhere near the island now known as the Dominican Republic . . . thus proving that the Earth was indeed not flat.

Or something of the sort. (I was one of those who used to doze off in U.S. History, so don’t quote me on the details.)

But I did not know — and I’m willing to bet that you didn’t either, unless you read yesterday’s “This Day In History” — that old Chris wrote in his ship’s log on January 9, 1493, that the previous day he had spied three mermaids . . . and that they were “not half as beautiful as they are painted.” [“This Day In History,” history.com, Jauary 9, 2025.]

Well, aside from insulting all of mermaidhood (which would have been bad enough), it seems he also managed to denigrate the majority of human womanhood as well. Because it is now believed that what he actually saw were most likely manatees, dugongs, or something called Steller’s sea cows (which became extinct by the 1760s due to over-hunting).

And — while all women admittedly are not classically beautiful (except on the inside) — I can honestly say that I have never seen one of my fellow females who looked anything like a manatee, a dugong, or whatever a Steller’s sea cow looked like. And, on behalf of all of you ladies, girls, and old broads out there, let me unequivocally state that we are not amused.

Now, I think they’re actually pretty cute . . . for sea mammals. I especially like the smile on little Dougie Dugong. But quite frankly, I’d much rather be compared to a mermaid. I mean, honestly — who wouldn’t? Just look at that face, that hair, those . . . um . . . abs.

Of course, to give Columbus the benefit of the doubt, there may have been mitigating circumstances. The weather may not have been clear, or he may only have gotten a quick glimpse of the creatures from a distance.

And, come to think of it, I’ve never seen a portrait of Columbus’ wife or mother. So, in the end, perhaps . . . by comparison . . . ?

Uh . . . nope. No way. I prefer to think Columbus was simply near-sighted, and let it go at that.

Just sayin’ . . .

Brendochka
1/10/25