I have been watching with unbridled envy as one unqualified person after another . . . after another . . . after another . . . wins a coveted spot on the incoming Trump administration’s Cabinet — subject, of course, to Congressional approval, which shouldn’t be much of a problem considering the makeup of the incoming Congress.

And the one appointment that strikes me as the most original is not actually a Cabinet position, but the new DOGE — Department of Government Efficiency — which, because of its unique status as “non-governmental,” apparently will avoid having to undergo the usual vetting process. This, of course, is most fortunate for Elon Musk, who now doesn’t have to worry about all those pesky conflict of interest issues.

(Incidentally, does it strike anyone else as a little too coincidental that the definition of “doge” includes “president,” “chief of state,” “commander in chief,” “grand vizier,” and “person in charge”?)

Anyway, I’ve decided that, being at least as qualified (though clearly not as wealthy) as any of the appointees named thus far, I deserve a seat at the table as well. I’m a native-born American citizen, well over 21 years of age, reasonably intelligent; I have excellent spelling and grammatical skills, most of my marbles, and — unlike any of the others — I still possess a scruple or two.

Therefore, I have accepted the position — which I magnanimously offered myself just a few hours ago — of Chairman of the Committee to Rewrite the English-language Dictionary . . . also known, in typical Washington acronym fashion, as CRED.

And in case you’re wondering about my “creds” for the position as Chairman of CRED . . . well, not to worry. I’ve already vetted myself, and I can assure you that I’ve never had an affair with or been hit on by Donald Trump, Elon Musk, or Sean “Diddy” Combs; never been represented in a legal matter by Rudy Giuliani; and never met with Vladimir Putin or any member of his inner circle, especially not Dmitry Peskov.

In other words, I’m dull as dishwater.

But I do have a great many ideas for the re-write of the English-language dictionary, which — as I am sure you will agree — is essential to the new administration’s goal of tearing down every facet of the structure that has made America the model of freedom and democracy it has been for the past 248 years, and the capitalist economy on which most of the world’s economies rely.

So without further ado, I give you just a small sampling of what we have to look forward to (not in alphabetical or any other specific order).

*. *. *

Truth. Previous definitions included such outmoded ideas as “accuracy,” “fact,” “veracity,” and “principle.” The new definition shall be: “Whatever any current member of the Trump administration declares it to be.”

Honor, Honesty. Throughout the centuries, words have passed in and out of use. The time has come for all forms of these two to go, and they shall henceforth be stricken from the new dictionary.

Altruism. Formerly defined as “selflessness,” “benevolence,” “magnanimity,” “public spirit,” and “social conscience,” the revised definition shall be: “Whatever any current member of the Trump administration decides is best for the Trump administration.”

Fiscal Responsibility. Forget any ridiculous prior concept of this term. It is now: “Whatever is required to make the rich richer, and the rest of us irrelevant.”

Patriotism. Another one of those words whose usefulness has failed to evolve over time, and is now obsolete. Out it goes.

As I said, this is just an inkling of what you have to look forward to from my Committee (whose subordinate members have yet to be chosen, but will undoubtedly include a spelling champion such as Dan Quayle, and hopefully a grammarian on the order of Arnold Schwarzenegger).

But there is one more word that I must include here, because it is, as we all know, of supreme importance to Donald Trump himself. And that word is:

Loyalty. The definition itself will not change; it will still mean “allegiance,” “devotion,” “fealty,” “obedience,” etc. However, it will now be strictly a one-way concept, i.e., loyalty to Donald Trump.

Just don’t expect it to be reciprocated.

Just sayin’ . . .

Brendochka
11/21/24