Well, of course! What is wrong with me? I should have seen it sooner — the reason Vladimir Putin has busted his ass, paving the way for the Feenstra family from Canada to emigrate to Russia.

I overlooked the fact that 2024 is Russia’s Year Of the Family. You remember . . . the year when working women have been encouraged — no, urged — to use their lunch breaks to breed. Yes, I said “breed,” i.e., to copulate with their male partners in order to procreate. And the more babies you can crank out, the bigger shall be your reward from Uncle Vladimir.

Now look at the Feenstras again: Mama, Papa, and eight ready-made, brand-new, starry-eyed, young Russian citizens. What happened to all that red tape they encountered on arrival in Russia? Suddenly gone. The language requirement in order to obtain temporary residency status? Stricken from the books. That cramped little apartment? Now there’s a working farm, with a big house being built on it. And all that nasty paper work? Done.

Because Russia needs families like theirs: big, conservative, gullible families who will say and do all the right things at all the right times in order to be able to live their lives free of the stresses of that evil liberalism back in Canada. The poster children for Putin’s Pet Propagation Project.

But that’s just one family. What about all those young Russian couples making like rabbits in their workplaces? How are they taking this new edict from the Kremlin? Apart from the big after-lunch smiles and the clearer skin, what do they think about Putin’s rationalization for this Soviet-style ten-year plan?

And for that matter, exactly what was his explanation?

Well, for that we have to go back to January of this year, and the launch of the nationwide fertility program transparently disguised as “The Year of the Family.” At the opening of the exposition — the complete program of which defies description — Vladimir Putin held his captive audience . . . well . . . captive with a painfully long welcoming speech.

Here are just a few of the highlights:

“The main purpose of the family is about having children, about procreation, and thus, the perpetuation of our people and our centuries-old history. Our culture, identity, national character are rooted in the family.” [President of Russia News, January 23, 2024.]

“I have just met with the winners of the Family of the Year contest and participants in the This Runs in Our Family contest, which is a fairly recent event, but has become widely popular. Most of the families that attended the meeting were large families. They are now here, behind me, on this stage, as I said before. Let’s welcome them.” [Id.]

“It is important for us to have more large families . . .” [Id.]

“As you may be aware, the Executive Order of state support for large families was signed yesterday and released today. It defines the status of a large family as a family with three or more children, established indefinitely. The social support is provided to each of the children under 18, or under 23 if they are full-time students at a university or college.” [Id.]

“The decision to make the status of large families uniform nationwide is primarily important to ensure that such families have access to social support measures in every region in Russia, so that they can travel or move from region to region and be sure that they are entitled to the same measures of state support everywhere.” [Id.]

And so on, for another dozen or so schmaltz-filled paragraphs.

*. *. *

So . . . this gigantic love-in is not merely taking place in the offices and shops of Moscow and St. Petersburg. All over Russia — from the far-flung farmlands, through the tundra and the taiga, to the docks of Vladivostok — there’s a whole lotta lovin’ goin’ on. And it’s all in the name of Mother Russia.

Speaking of which, let us not overlook the opportunity for a bit of old-fashioned, Soviet-style patriotism as Putin approached the conclusion of his monologue:

“Family values are fostered from childhood and not forgotten the minute we leave the parental home — they are embodied in our devotion to our country, in the courage of soldiers and officers — today’s fighters in the special military operation — in each person’s work for the common good. This includes the selfless effort of volunteers, and the people’s heartfelt support for our heroes, our fighters on the frontlines.”

“Undoubtedly, family values consolidate society. I will say more: Russia itself is indeed a huge family, a family of families. That is how different ethnic groups have lived here together in peace and perfect harmony for centuries, and the diversity of their cultures, languages, and customs never divided them, no — on the contrary, it keeps Russia together. Because we share the values of a large, close-knit family — they make us stronger, more confident, and united.” [Id.] [Bold emphasis is mine.]

I don’t know what parallel universe Vladimir Putin has been living in; or whether his speech writers have simply been taking advanced courses in fiction writing; or whether that last paragraph was copied from an old, archived speech of Nikita Khrushchev’s. But the only thing missing is the background string music, or perhaps a rousing chorus of the Internationale.

*. *. *

But what if you’re a 20-something or 30-something, 21st-Century professional who doesn’t want to bring three or more children into this scary world? What do you do?

I’ll tell you what you don’t do: you don’t talk about it. Not to anyone, because sadly, these are again times when it’s nearly impossible to know whom to trust. And there is now a law being pushed through the Russian Parliament banning a “child-free ideology,” and stating that “promoting life without children is a hostile ideology that threatens the country’s traditional values.” The penalty for violating that law could be as high as $4,300 for an individual or $50,000 for a company or organization. [Ajila Obradovic, RadioFreeEurope/RadioLiberty, October 13, 2024.]

That’s right: it’s about to become law. So if your neighbor or your best friend asks you how many children you’re planning on having, just tell her “six,” and change the subject.

Because the times, they are a-changing . . . and, in Russia, not for the better.

Just sayin’ . . .

Brendochka
10/17/24