Remember when your mail box — the one outside your house — used to be full of magazines and catalogs, bills, and the occasional letter or birthday card? And how at Christmastime you couldn’t figure out how the mail carrier managed to cram everything in there, because you needed a crowbar to get it all out?

Well, times have changed. There are still a few paper catalogs that find their way to me, and I actually enjoy looking at some of them — it’s the same as my preference for a real, hard-cover book over an e-reader. But let’s face it: nearly everything arrives electronically these days, and most of our shopping is done that way as well.

And once you’ve ordered something — anything — online, they’ve got you!

Who are “they”? Pretty much everyone. I wake up each day to an Inbox with anywhere from 60 to 100 emails, and once I’ve deleted all the crap, I’m usually left with fewer than a dozen that I need or want to read. And they keep coming throughout the day. You can find me, at all sorts of odd hours, deleting emails while fixing my lunch, doing the laundry, or sitting on the toilet. I believe it’s called multi-tasking.

But for some odd reason — probably out of sheer boredom — I decided today to actually look at the headers of some of those deleted items before clearing out my Trash box again. And quite a few of them were rather intriguing, so I thought I’d share them with you in case any of them sound like something you might need or want. For example:

Burning prostate. Instantly release a powerful pee stream. I won’t add a picture to this one — the mental image is quite enough. But I am compelled to remind the sender of that message that I am 100% female. Got no prostate, don’t want one — got all I can do to manage the feminine plumbing, thank you.

SonoBello Laser Lipo. I resent the implication that I may need, or want, liposuction. Have you seen me lately? Have you ever seen me? And even if I were morbidly obese, did it ever occur to you that some people might be happy that way? Just go away, you weight-obsessed freaks.

Advanced Dermatology. Fall in love with your skin. Just how ugly do these people think I am?!!

Conservative Intel. Yeah, right. If it’s political, it goes straight to the Trash bin. You don’t get to know my thoughts. Ever.

Byte Invisible Braces. Time’s running out on getting a new smile. I’m a very senior citizen. Time is running out on almost everything. I’m not spending what’s left of my time and money on braces.

Body Contouring by SonoBello. It’s Not Too Late to Get Your Body Back. Oh, yes, it is! And I’ve already said no to you a thousand times. Take the hint.

Huge stomach. Drink these herbs before 10 a.m. . . . Eeeeeekkk!!!!

“Mushroom Magic.” Take a bite, sit back, and let the good times roll. What is this — the ‘60s???? Is this even legal?

Hims Affiliate Offer. Get back in the game with Hims ED treatments. Again, guys . . . I’m a girly-girl. Unless “ED” stands for “extra donuts,” I couldn’t possibly care less.

Meet Seniors Dating Offer. Yeah . . . like I’d be the least bit interested in some old fart my own age. Sheesh!

Tommy Chong’s CBD. Well, now . . .

Manhood-booster. Drink 1 cup every morning to boost sex drive. I think we’ve already covered this. Next . . .

Insta Hard. The “Hidden Part” of your penis . . . Oh, my God! What is wrong with these people??!!!

There were lots more — a cure for testicular cancer, something to “clear away herpes,” and an offer to introduce me to beautiful Ukrainian women.

Just FYI, again — no testicles, no herpes, and I am a beautiful Ukrainian woman! Well, I was better-looking when I was much younger, but my grandparents were from Ukraine, so . . .

But there you have it: today’s version of junk mail — way more than would ever have fit into that outdoor mailbox in paper form. And most of it would have been illegal to ship through the mails in the first place.

I miss the good old days.

Just sayin’ . . .

Brendochka
9/19/24