Or may I address you as Dima? I’ve written so much about you in recent months, I feel we are old friends.

Of course, not everything I’ve written has been complimentary, inasmuch as it has all been in the context of your position as Press Secretary for Vladimir Putin — who, it is safe to say, is not one of my favorite people. But you are not Putin. You have always appeared so much more agreeable, so approachable, so . . . well . . . cute, actually. As spokesman, you of course have something to say about nearly everything; and you deliver your comments with such ease and such sincerity, that I have often wondered whether you actually believe the bullshit that . . .

Oh, sorry — I didn’t mean to let that slip. But it’s out there, so let it lie.

In any event, I recently became curious as to how you came to hold the position of Kremlin spokesman. So I did the obvious thing: I Googled you. And I learned quite a bit!

I didn’t realize how long you have worked at Putin’s side — since he first became President of Russia, if not longer. And I’m afraid that in all those years, some of his less admirable traits may have rubbed off on you: lying with a straight face, for example.

What’s that? You say you don’t lie? Oh, Dima . . . that in itself is not exactly true. What about the very beginning of the “special military operation” in Ukraine? Even before it actually started — in January of 2022, to be specific — when you accused the United States of “fomenting tensions” concerning Ukraine, while it was your country’s troops amassing on the border . . . not ours. And on March 1st — less than a week after . . . oh, let’s be honest and call it what it is . . . after the invasion, you told reporters you didn’t want to comment on Russian military casualties, but insisted that “the Russian troops don’t conduct any strikes against civilian infrastructure and residential areas.”

Not wanting to comment is one thing; but that last part . . . if you don’t call that a lie, I can show you pictures of Mariupol, and Bakhmut, and Bucha. Like these:

Okay, that’s enough.

*. *. *

And during the 2011-2013 protests in Russia, when riot police were clubbing protestors, you were quoted as saying that “protesters who hurt riot police should have their livers smeared on the asphalt.” Really, Dima? Is that true? People who defend themselves against big scary guys in black riot gear, armed with clubs and Kalashnikovs, should be mashed into sidewalk pate? That actually sounds like something Medvedev would say, but surely not you!

*. *. *

Well, I suppose that’s all in the nature of your job — and a lucrative one it is, according to all reports. Not just your salary, but from other sources. They do say it’s all about whom you know . . . and you definitely know the right people. You’ve earned your place in the Kremlin hierarchy; you’ve obviously said and done all the right things along the way: sucked up when appropriate, and shut up when necessary. Well done.

So I thought I’d offer you this little tribute to let you know that someone out here in the West is paying attention when you speak. And on that subject, I’d really like to know . . .

When the hell are you coming back to work? I miss being able to quote you in my articles. By my count, it’s taken no fewer than four people to do your job for just one week.

Just sayin’ . . .

Brendochka
8/27/24