If you have a choice, I strongly urge you to stay out of Colorado, Kansas and New Mexico for the next three months or so. And if you live in any of those places . . . unless you’re able to take a leave of absence and head for, say, Iceland . . . you may want to stay indoors.

Because in those three states, it’s tarantula mating season, folks.

The word — or, rather, the scent — is out there from the females of the species, advertising the fact that they’re ready. And those horny males are about to emerge from their burrows to track them down. Let the orgy begin.

Now, my instinct in encountering any spider, other arachnid, or most insects (except ladybugs and dragonflies, which are lovely) is: KILL — at least, the ones that dare to venture indoors. Years ago, a black widow spider showed up in my living room, and I quickly dispatched it to Arachnid Heaven. I’m truly sorry if that offends any Buddhists, entomologists, or vegans out there; I totally respect your beliefs, but I don’t think eight- or six-legged creatures are meant to live in houses or apartments with the bipeds.

Anyway, the writer of the article I read (Julia Gomez, USA Today, August 9, 2024) assures me that, while a tarantula may bite, and the bite may hurt, it is not lethal unless you are a rat, a frog, or other small creature. You should just put ice on the site of the bite, and you’re certain to be all right. (A little poetry there . . . sorry.)

But while I’m in rhyming mode, let me add one more line: “. . . If I haven’t dropped dead from the fright.”

She also has this advice for getting rid of the offending critter:

“Instead of chasing a tarantula with a broom or fly swatter, she recommended sneaking up on it and, without grabbing it, coaxing it into a bucket to take outside and releasing it back into the wild.” [Gomez, id.]

Yeah . . . sure. How do you coax a tarantula? “Here, kitty, kitty, kitty” probably isn’t going to work. And by the time I found that bucket, “Kitty” would have disappeared into some hiding place and I’d have to move because I would never again sleep a wink in that house.

No, coaxing is not my style. But this is:

Just sayin’ . . .

Brendochka
8/11/24