Sick and tired of all the angst, the doomsday prophecies, the political drama, the worsening climate conditions? Had it up to here with your neighbors’ teenage kids, your boss’ unreasonable demands, the price of vegetables? Thinking of finding that perfect forever home . . . somewhere else? Anywhere else?

That’s good . . . because I have just the piece of property you’ve been dreaming of. It’s acres and acres of undeveloped land, just waiting for you to give it the love it deserves. Choose the lot you want, as many acres as you’d like, and get your architect started on those plans.

This particular lot even comes with its own ready-built rock garden. Initial tests indicate that it’s pure sulphur. That’s got to be worth something . . . right?

Oh, did I mention the name of the development? It’s called “Mars” for now, though eventually I’m sure it will be subdivided and given some cute moniker, like “Heavenly Acres,” or the unpronounceable name of one of Elon Musk’s kids — just as soon as NASA declares it to be habitable, that is.

Yes, I know it’s 140 million miles from the nearest Walmart. But is that necessarily a bad thing? And I know Amazon doesn’t deliver there yet — though I heard a rumor that Uber and Lyft are competing for the first transportation franchise. And one of the folks at SpaceX said their cameras picked up a “Dollar General Coming Soon” sign . . .

But if you can put up with a few inconveniences for a generation or two, just think of the advantages: No wars (yet); no politics (yet); no communicable diseases (yet); no Kardashians, no Harry and Meghan, no Trumps (yet).

Sound ideal? For further information, contact Elon Musk; he’ll have your paper work ready to sign in no time. I don’t have his phone number or email address, but if you want it badly enough, I’m sure you’ll be able to find it. Good luck, and tell him I said hello.

NOTE: In the spirit of full disclosure, this cheery bit of advertising has been brought to you — just for laughs, because God knows we need them — by me. Hope it helped.

Brendochka
7/23/24