We’ve all heard of a snake in the grass . . . snakes on a plane . . . sharper than a serpent’s tooth, etc. But I don’t believe I have ever before been introduced to the concept of “snakes-in-the-pants.” Nor did I ever hope to be.

But if it’s weird, you can bet your life savings that someone will think of it, and actually give it a try — which is just what an unnamed man in China did recently. Luckily for the rest of the population of China, he didn’t succeed.

For reasons yet to be clarified, this gentleman somehow found it advisable to try to make it through Futian Port, a checkpoint between Hong Kong and mainland China, with 104 live snakes, contained in six canvas drawstring bags, and stuffed into his pants pockets — presumably without being detected. But the Chinese officials at Shenzhen were on the ball. Maybe it was the movement in his pants that gave him away. Not just in one place, which they might have discreetly overlooked; but I’m imagining wriggling movements in both side pockets, back pockets (come to think of it, didn’t he ever have to sit down?), and if he was wearing cargo pants . . . well, my imagination just doesn’t want to carry me that far.

In any case, he was duly busted. It is not clear whether he was actually arrested, but the customs agency did say that “if the regulations are violated, the customs will pursue legal liability in accordance with the law.” [Fred He, Alex Stambaugh and Jack Guy, CNN, July 10, 2024.] My best guess is that he didn’t earn a get-out-of-jail-free card.

Apparently, however, our stalwart snake smuggler was not a total idiot: none of the species of snakes were venomous. Five species were identified: milk snakes, western hognose snakes, corn snakes, Texas rat snakes, and bull snakes — four of them non-native to China, which probably means that it’s illegal to transport them into the country under any conditions, except possibly for exhibition in a herpetarium (new word, unknown to Spellcheck).

So the first question that comes to mind is . . . Why? Maybe he hoped to be able to sell them to a collector, or a breeder, or Madame Zelda the Exotic Snake Charmer. Or keep them to control a rodent problem in his own neighborhood. Or just because they are rather pretty, in a long, skinny, limbless, reptilian way.

Second question: The picture of all of the little slitherers above shows them in plastic bags, presumably transferred there by the customs folks. Don’t they need air? Could we please at least punch a few holes in the bags?

Thank you.

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I’m not sure what’s going on in China lately — actually, no one is — but it seems that just last month another man was arrested attempting to smuggle 454 endangered turtles from Macau to mainland China. [CNN, id.] Maybe there’s just a big market for Snake Steak and Turtle Terrine in Chinese restaurants these days. The article doesn’t mention their size, but I wonder where he was hiding that many of even the smallest of those hard-shelled reptiles. Surely not in his pants!

Oh, well . . . just one more thing to contemplate when I’m trying to sleep tonight.

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And then, as inevitably occurs when one is surfing the internet, this “Tale of A Hundred Herptiles” led me to yet another true story from a couple of months ago — this time, about a single, cold-blooded, 16-inch intruder . . . on a train in Japan. This little fellow was apparently traveling on his own — by high-speed bullet train, no less — headed from Nagoya to Osaka. But a commuter reported Mr. Snake’s presence to a station staff member at a stop in Tokyo, and the reptilian hitchhiker — who presumably had not paid for a ticket — soon found himself at the end of his journey.

Now, for those who are not familiar with the efficiency of Japan’s train service, it is legendary. In fact, the story goes that in 2017, a conductor on the Tsukaba Express triggered a “network apology” after he departed 20 seconds early. Yes, I said early, not late. Apparently, in Japan “on time” means precisely that. [Moeri Karasawa, CNN, April 17, 2024.]

In any event, the presence of that one little fellow on the bullet train caused an unheard-of delay of a full 17 minutes. The train was put out of service as a precaution in case he had traveling companions, and another train was assigned to the route, causing some 600 passengers to be delayed . . . no doubt for the first time in their lives . . . as they switched trains in what can only be imagined as — oh, the irony! — a Chinese fire drill. But, that being Japan, I’m sure it was all accomplished quickly, efficiently, politely, and with a minimum of grumbling.

Hey, Amtrak . . . are you listening to this?

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Frankly, if I were going to smuggle an illegal animal into my country (the U.S.), it would be a sweet, cuddly koala. (No, Australia, I’m not seriously thinking of trying it.) But I have it all figured out: just construct some sort of pouch under my coat, slip that little baby a mickey to make him sleep for about 14 hours, tuck him in, and tell the customs agents I’m pregnant.

Well, maybe 40 or 50 years ago they would have fallen for it . . .

Just sayin’ . . .

Brendochka
7/12/24