“A soldier walks into a bar . . .”

It sounds like the opening line of an old joke. But in this case, unfortunately it isn’t.

We’ve all made bad choices throughout our lives, some simply foolish and embarrassing, others perhaps more costly. But how many of us have truly been left wishing we were dead, rather than having to pay the high price of one really, really, really stupid mistake?

In the case of Staff Sergeant Gordon Black, that may be precisely what he has been thinking lately. Because this is the young American soldier — on his way to his home base in Texas but with two weeks’ leave after being stationed on assignment with the U.S. Army in South Korea — who decided it might be smart to detour first, without authorization, to visit his Russian girlfriend . . . in her home town of Vladivostok. Which, in case you weren’t aware, is in Russia.

It was a movie-script meeting: young, naive American soldier walks into a bar where he meets a beautiful Russian woman who, for some reason, has been living in South Korea for five years and is currently working in this bar. They strike up an acquaintance and soon begin a romance that lasts until she returns to her native Russia. They continue communicating, and not long afterward he tells her that his tour of duty is ending and he will be returning to the U.S. for reassignment. But he has those two weeks of leave time, and she invites him to visit her in Vladivostok.

And here is where his brain becomes overwhelmed by his libido, and he decides it would be just peachy if he were to travel home to the U.S. by way of Russia — traveling first through China — without bothering to seek the requisite authorization from the Army. Which is what he does, in May of this year.

And so he steps off of the plane in Vladivostok, spends some time with the lovely Aleksandra, only to be confronted in his hotel by the local police and detained on charges of “criminal misconduct” — specifically, theft, assault, and threat to kill. And he never does make it back home, because it seems his “girlfriend” has accused him of all of the above.

Now comes the best part. By the time his trial is scheduled in June, he has allegedly admitted to the theft, though not to the charges of assault or threat to kill.

He confessed??!!! Are you serious??!!!

Apparently so . . . and in this case, his stupidity has kicked in without any encouragement from his libido — but quite likely with a good bit of “encouragement” from his captors. He confessed to having taken 10,000 Russian rubles, but with the intention of returning it before leaving Vladivostok. (Don’t get too excited about the amount — that’s just a little over $100 U.S. money.) Did they promise to go easy on him if he admitted to the least of the three charges? Quite possibly. But please don’t tell me he actually believed them!

His trial has started over there in the Primorsky territory in the far eastern region of Russia bordering China and North Korea, while his family, the U.S. Defense Department, and the rest of the world await the outcome.

*. *. *

So now, Russia has another American hostage, ripe for questioning immediately and possibly for trading later. Each and every one of the political hostages, as far as we know, has continued to vehemently deny the charges against them. But not Staff Sergeant Black. Is he frightened? Well, who wouldn’t be? Perhaps the difference is that, unlike the others, he is actually guilty of something . . . at the very least, of having allowed himself to be trapped into this position in the first place. Did the Army not teach these young soldiers about “honey traps” before sending them overseas? And if so, wasn’t he paying attention? How many other “boyfriends” has his beloved Aleksandra enticed — or tried to entice — from the U.S. Army base while working at that bar? It’s the oldest trick in the world.

*. *. *

I have the utmost sympathy for Sergeant Black, as I do for anyone being held in a Russian prison on trumped-up charges. But in this case, he has to realize that he is responsible for his own poor decisions.

So is there a moral to this story? Well, of course there is! (I didn’t go through all of this just to leave you hanging.) The moral to Sergeant Black’s tragic tale has been heard before, in the immortal words of Forrest Gump’s beloved Mama:

“Stupid is as stupid does.” *

Unfortunately, what Staff Sergeant Gordon Black did was incredibly stupid.

Just sayin’ . . .

Brendochka
6/20/24

* Forrest Gump, Paramount Pictures, 1994.