Most of us, during that week between Christmas and New Year’s when we feel as though we’re in limbo waiting for the next big thing to happen, might think about making yet another list of New Year’s Resolutions in an attempt to improve our lives following the last twelve-month shit-storm. And most of us immediately dismiss the thought. But those who actually do make a list generally recycle the same prosaic, though well-intentioned, promises: to lose weight, to economize, to clean out all the closets, to get involved in some charity work. And by the end of January, the list has been lost and the demands of everyday life have drained us of every last bit of energy that would have been needed to keep those promises.

But not this guy.

Oh, no . . . not him. We already know he’s physically fit because he’s an exercise nut, and he has people who prepare his healthy food for him; he’s filthy stinkin’ rich so he doesn’t need to economize; and as for charity work . . . well, excuse me while I ROFLMAO. Because when, in his entire miserable, self-centered, cruel, vicious, narcissistic, murderous, unsympathetic, unempathetic, evil life has he ever given a moment’s thought to anyone other than himself? Charity?? Pshaw!

So what’s left for him to resolve? Actually, plenty. Because he wants to own the world, and that takes planning. So here’s how I envision King Vlad dictating his list of New Year’s Resolutions for 2024:

First: I’ll start with those two Asian guys, Xi and Kim, he says. They’re getting entirely too big for their britches — especially that chubby Kim, ha-ha! I’ll have to have someone arrange for them to fall out of a couple of windows, or off that Great Wall, or maybe an airplane. Then what? North Korea’s kind of a wasteland, so I can just let that die a natural death. But China has a huge economy, lots of advanced technology, and millions of potential conscripts for my army. That’s a keeper, for sure.

Second: Ukraine needs to be wrapped up once and for all . . . but on my terms, of course. With all those millions of little Chinese guys in my army, I’m sure that won’t be a problem. We’ll just overrun Zelensky and those other Jewish Nazis. Then it’s on to Moldova, Georgia, Poland, the Baltics . . . What fun!

Third: Closer to home, there are still a bunch of smart-assed oligarchs that need to be taken down a few pegs. So I resolve to nationalize all of their “private” companies, confiscate their other assets, charge them all with corruption or naziism or whatever, and ship them off to one of those Siberian country club prisons.

Fourth: Which reminds me . . . I need to add another ten years or so to the sentences of those trouble-makers Navalny and Kara-Murza. They’re never gonna see the outside of a prison camp again, I promise you that. Also need to dangle the American hostages, Whelan and that Jew . . . what’s his name? . . . yeah, Gershkovich . . . for an exchange, and see who I can get the Americans to send back. They’re so stupid, giving us Viktor Bout for the girl basketball player. Idiots!

Fifth: And speaking of those LGBTQ people . . . I miss the good old days before the internet and social media, when we could keep everything secret and pretend they didn’t exist in our glorious country. But it’s too late for that, so we’ll just have to round them all up and send them off to an island, someplace where they’ll just die out naturally. Oh, I know! One of the Kuril Islands. They’re not good for much else anyway. And if Japan still wants them, they can have them — but they have to take all the gay people with them, and agree never to release them.

Sixth: Ukraine again. Resolve to step up the bombardments and missile attacks. There are still a few hospitals and apartment buildings left standing. I already announced I wouldn’t stop until I’ve reached my goal. And I always keep my word.

Seventh: As for the Middle East, I must remember to increase arms shipments to Hamas, Hezbollah, ISIS, and the others. Israel is really getting on my nerves. Who knew those smart-ass Jewish intellectuals could fight like that?

Eighth: Belarus . . . what to do about Belarus? That Lukashenko clown is getting too ambitious for his own good, wants a say in how things are run. Wonder what’s the tallest building in Minsk . . .

Ninth: Finland. Sending all those Africans and Arabs begging for asylum at our border with that giant popsicle country has been a major annoyance to the Finns, but not as effective as I’d hoped; they just keep blasting “Finlandia” at us across the border. (That Sibelius was no Tchaikovsky — maybe we should try the “1812 Overture,” cannons and all.) No, we need something to really weaken them so they come begging us to take them back. Maybe kill off their herring supply? . . .

Tenth: And of course, there’s the friggin’ United States. So much to do there: get Trump elected, first of all. But if they actually convict him of something, then who? Maybe DeSantis? He’d be easier to manipulate than Trump, but doesn’t have the big following. Anyway, after the election, get them to leave NATO, put the razor wire back up on the Mexican border, fire up those MAGA idiots. And I must get a few more of our people inside the CIA, FBI, NSA, Fox News . . . So many vulnerabilities; so little time.

Eleventh: Must resolve to clean out my own house too — and I don’t mean the closets. Start with Lavrov, Peskov, Patrushev, Medvedev. They’ve been pretty useful, but like all of their predecessors, they’ve gotten to the point where they know too much and think they’re indispensable. Either they fall into line, or they’re gone. Must work on replacements. If only Dzerzhinsky were actually still alive . . .

*. *. *

Well, now, that’s a pretty good start; should take me through March or April, at least. Have I forgotten anyone? Maybe Switzerland?

Just sayin’ . . .

Brendochka
1/4/24