“Psst! I’m over here, the one with the devilish sense of humor and the big mouth that doesn’t know when to shut itself. And by entering your country, I’ve just painted a big red target on my back. So you may as well just take me now, toss me into the slammer, and forget about me. Because I won’t last a day in your new, ‘sacred’ environment.”

That would have been me, 30 years ago, if Vladimir Putin had been President of Russia when I was living and working there, during that summer of 1993. Or if I were idiotic enough to go back today, even for a brief visit. Because now, another new law is about to be added to the mega-volume of new, ever-more-restrictive edicts being issued by His Majesty, Tsar Vladimir (as I assume he wishes to be addressed these days).

You see, I committed a heinous crime; I made a joke out loud. I referred to him as “Mad King Vlad from Leningrad.” But I had signed the mandatory loyalty oath on entering the country, and some rat fink (not sure how that translates into Russian) turned me in. My bad. I’m guilty as shit. Slap on the cuffs.

*. *. *

This is all in my imagination, of course; I’m actually safe and sound, right here in the U.S. of A. But the reason for this bad, bad dream is real enough. Because yesterday I read that “Russia’s interior ministry has prepared draft legislation that would force foreigners to sign a ‘loyalty agreement’ forbidding them from criticising official policy, discrediting Soviet military history, or contravening traditional family values.” [Guy Faulconbridge and Lidia Kelly, Reuters, Nov. 29, 2023.]

According to a report from the TASS state news agency, the draft legislation would prohibit a foreigner entering Russia from “interfering with the activities of public authorities of the Russian Federation, discrediting in any form the foreign and domestic state policy of the Russian Federation, public authorities and their officials.” It would also include clauses about “morality, family, ‘propaganda about non-traditional sexual relations’ and history . . . [as well as] distorting the historical truth about the feat of the Soviet people in the defence of the Fatherland and its contribution to the victory over fascism.”

Further, “The Kremlin said earlier this month that some measure of censorship was needed as Russian troops were fighting in Ukraine, and cautioned those who wanted to criticise the military to think carefully before they did.” [Reuters, Nov. 29, 2023.]

Well, that seems to cover just about everything but the weather . . . and you should probably be careful what you say about that as well, because what the draft law doesn’t state (as far as I know) is precisely what constitutes those various violations. And I’m not really fond of things that are left wide open to someone else’s interpretation.

As of this writing, the new law — it’s not clear what they’re going to name it — is not in effect, as it has not yet been presented to Putin for signature. But . . .

Yes, there’s that Russian “but” again. And it’s a big one.

But . . . it seems to be well on its way to his desk. As clarified in the Reuters report, in order for the draft to become law, it first has to be introduced to the State Duma, then go through a committee review and “several readings” (by whom, is also unclear), before it can be presented to Putin for signature. The Chairman of the Duma’s CIS* Affairs Committee (the rough equivalent of the U.S. House Foreign Affairs Committee) has said that the draft law was “well advanced” and “being worked on” by the Ministry of the Interior, “the government,” the presidential administration, and by his own committee.

[* CIS: Commonwealth of Independent States.]

The Reuters report also quotes one Leonid Kalashnikov as having told Interfax that “[t]he draft law on the so-called ‘loyalty agreement’ with migrants entering the Russian Federation is in a high degree of readiness” . . . though “some details of the proposed law were still to be worked out.”

It was not clear to me whether this Kalashnikov (yes, the same name as the famous Russian rifle) and the Chairman of the CIS Affairs Committee are one and the same person. So, of course, I looked him up on the Duma’s website, and they are indeed just one man. And here he is, hopefully not in what would be considered one of his more cheerful moments:

Kalashnikov, age 60, is a deputy in the 7th State Duma representing the CPSU: the Communist Party of the Soviet Union. Of course, it’s now called the Communist Party of the Russian Federation, though still somehow known by its old initials. Some things just refuse to die.

And not incidentally, he is under U.S. and other sanctions, and is further considered a “politically exposed person” — an individual who is or has been in a prominent position and may be subject to coercion or other illegal abuse. So, clearly a guy in the know, though probably not one you’d want to do business with, or bring home to meet the family. Would you?

Naahhh . . . probably not.

All in all, it appears that this draft law will have little difficulty passing muster and being submitted to His Excellency . . . His Majesty? . . . His Holiness . . . or whatever Putin calls himself these days. And you know he has his pen already poised to sign off on it, since it was most likely his idea in the first place.

I loved my time in Russia. I will always be grateful for having had the opportunity . . . when it was presented to me, 30 years ago. But today? Hell, no! It took a modicum of courage back then; today it requires complete and absolute lunacy. Stay away! Are you hearing me? Unless you’re suicidal, don’t go! They’re arresting people right and left over there. Please . . . if you must travel abroad, go to Italy, or Japan, or Australia. There are so many beautiful places in this world where the people are lovely and the food is good and the laws do not require you to remain mute and stay inside the box. Try one of those. I’m begging you . . .

*. *. *

So, while I have no further need to travel to Russia . . . nor any desire to do so, in the current environment . . . a lot of people do, for a number of reasons: diplomats from around the world, various other government representatives, journalists, the few remaining foreign business reps, and perhaps even a stray (and seriously misguided) do-gooder from an NGO or a religious organization. I wish them the best of luck, and I have one word of advice to offer them: DON’T. If you have any choice at all, for God’s sake . . . DON’T!

Just sayin’ . . .

Brendochka
12/1/23