Never mind that food just tastes so good. That’s not my point. I’m thinking way back to the Creation, when — according to Genesis — the first people were plunked down in the Garden of Eden where they found that accursed apple tree. And their instincts — and their growling stomachs — told them that those apples were probably edible, and tasted good, and would stave off the hunger pangs. And they — or at least, Adam — gave in to temptation and that’s when all the trouble began. He made his first independent decision, and it was a bad one.

Okay, so that’s not exactly how it goes. And I’m not really talking about temptation anyway; it’s hunger that got me started. I wanted a snack tonight, but I knew I didn’t need the extra calories, and I began wondering why all creatures on earth were created with the systems we are blessed (or cursed) with. Since I’m more familiar with humans than, say, amphibians or creepy-crawly things, let’s use us as an example.

We have a digestive system, a circulatory system, a skeletal system, a nervous system, a respiratory system, an excretory system, a reproductive system, and on and on . . . including something called an “integumentary” system, which I had never heard of either but which apparently includes the skin and sweat glands and other stuff. But my question is: Why? Was it all really necessary? Couldn’t we have been designed to simply function, without all the organs and arteries and bones and such? Then we wouldn’t need food for fuel, and it follows that we wouldn’t need an excretory system, either.

And look at all the things that wouldn’t go wrong. Starting at the bottom . . . no food, then no poop, and thus no colon, no intestines, no anus. And that little dangling appendix thing — whose idea was that, anyway? Totally useless, except for the surgeon who gets to paid remove it.

Uphill to the kidneys and bladder: no drinks, then no pee; no need. All that digestive stuff . . . obviously, also not required. As for a “bile duct” — yuck.

Finding a replacement for the reproductive system might be a bit of a problem, but maybe we could just regenerate like amoebas, through something called binary fission. If you don’t remember your 10th-grade biology discussion of those little asexual creatures, you should look it up; it’s very cool. And it doesn’t require two people of opposite genders, so think of all the emotional agony we’d be avoiding. But we’d also be losing . . .

Well, maybe we could just keep the romance.

On the next level are the parts that breathe for us: lungs, bronchial tube, trachea. Just think — no common colds, no upper respiratory infections, no Covid. And then the heart: since it’s only metaphorically the center of love, who needs it? It only causes heart attacks, and there’d be no blood for it to pump anyway (see below). Then there’s more breathing and swallowing parts. We’ve already explained those away. There would be no lungs, so we won’t need nasal passages. No food? That esophagus thing is gone, along with the dual plagues of reflux and hiatal hernias. Nice.

There are also the veins, arteries and blood vessels of the circulatory system. If we didn’t have those, they couldn’t get blocked and no one would “bleed out” because, again, there’d be no blood. Remember . . . no heart to pump it anyway.

And tucked in with all those organs and pipes (no, not pipe organs!) is the skeletal system. As someone with major back problems, I’d love to be able to do away with that, or at least replace it with something that doesn’t fracture, compress, or degenerate. And we wouldn’t shrink as we got older. Also those knee things — they’re just a pain . . . literally. And without those itty-bitty nerves, there would be no pain anywhere. So the bully next door could attack your knees (if you had knees) with a baseball bat, and you’d never feel a thing, except the satisfaction of hitting him back. But no . . . you wouldn’t have that, either, because he wouldn’t feel it. Well, moving on . . .

And finally, there’s the brain — the biggest troublemaker of all. Because that’s where we humans think up all of the ways to make ourselves, and each other, miserable. No brain, no fear. No brain, no pain. No brain, no hatred. No hatred, no wars. No wars . . . See what I mean? Not just the most useless organ; it’s also the most dangerous.

Now, covering all of this junk is the body’s biggest organ: the skin. Yes, our skin is an organ. I know . . . I didn’t believe it either. Anyway, it is, and it’s one we might want to keep, if only for aesthetic purposes. But maybe we could find a way to avoid things like sunburn, warts, moles, and those curses of old age: liver spots and wrinkles.

Just think: get rid of all of those other parts, and we’d finally have knocked out every form of cancer, neuromuscular diseases, diabetes, dementia, and so on. How nice would that be? And we’d all just be created with an expiration date stamped on the heel of one foot where we wouldn’t have to see it all the time; and when that date arrived, we’d simply be sent to that great recycling center in the sky. Painlessly.

*. *. *

So it’s back to my original point: why do we need to eat? Wouldn’t it be better to be unfeeling, unthinking, robotic creatures who could never know pain, or hatred, or hunger, or fear? But, come to think of it, also no flashes of inspiration, or creativity, or love, or anticipation, or joy . . .

Oh, nuts! Why do I do that? Why do I always find a way to destroy my own inspirations? So it’s back to the drawing board . . . and a big, gooey, chocolate brownie to sustain me through the rewrite.

TTFN,
Brendochka
10/23/23