“Turkey??!!! You have got to be kidding me!”

Wait, please. Perhaps I should begin at the beginning.

I recently received a lovely invitation to attend an event in Geneva. No, not the Geneva in New York, or the other one in Florida. The original one . . . in Switzerland. One of those places I’ve always wanted to visit but never got the chance to see. And now, when I’m unable to make the trip (for several reasons, not relevant here), the opportunity comes my way. Oh, well . . . life is full of disappointments. On a scale of 1-10, this one is about a 5. I’ll get over it.

But out of some perverse form of curiosity, I decided to taunt myself by checking on flights, and as expected, they were pricey; a round-trip ticket, economy class, could cost anywhere from $1,700 to a whopping $6,100, depending on the airline, time of day of the flight, and — here’s the big kicker — the number, location and duration of stops. I’d like to know who’s in charge of routing and scheduling for these airlines, because I can recommend a really good analyst to try and figure out how that person’s mind works. What I found on Expedia.com was positively mind-boggling!

Geneva is a busy, thriving, centrally-located, popular business and vacation destination for people from all over the world: an international banking hub, the location of the world’s second-largest United Nations office, magnificent scenery . . . and not a bad place to buy a watch. It is not some backwater location in the Tasmanian bush country (no offense, Tasmania, but you’re not exactly convenient). Then why is it so hard to get to Geneva?

Well, to begin with, there’s my starting point. I live near Savannah — not the African savanna, but Savannah, Georgia, USA. Though for purposes of accessibility, it may as well be the middle of an endless, grassy plain on another continent. To fly any distance from here, even within the 48 contiguous U.S. states, usually requires at least one stop and likely a change of planes. International travel is nothing short of a nightmare. But being by far the closest airport, I decided to check it out anyway. And what I found gave me the best laugh I’ve had in a long time. Some examples:

One of my favorites, for the bargain price of $2,006, puts you on the road (so to speak) for 22 hours and 27 minutes, with two stops: one at Washington’s Dulles Airport for 5 hours and 11 minutes, plus a stop of 2 hours and 15 minutes in . . . wait for it . . . Istanbul. As in Turkey. They want to send me to Switzerland via Turkey? Uh . . . pass.

For a few hundred extra dollars — $2,434 total, to be precise — I found I could fly on Singapore Airlines, regularly rated as one of the best in the world. I would love to have tried that, if I were actually going. But it also took 20 hours and 18 minutes — 7 hours and 56 minutes of that time at JFK Airport in New York (yuck), and just an hour and 35 minutes at Frankfurt, Germany. Is that even a legal international stopover? What if the flight out of New York is late? If it’s just a stop, without having to deplane and reboard, then you’re okay, but otherwise . . . too risky. And I’ve been in Frankfurt Airport. It’s beautiful, and spotlessly clean . . . but also huge! No way would I risk a quick change of planes there. So . . . sorry, Singapore Air; I’ll have to pass.

Then I decided to check the flights from the slightly more convenient Jacksonville (Florida) airport. It’s a two-hour drive from here, but usually provides more non-stop options on domestic flights. As for international, I wasn’t sure.

The cheapest flight, for only $1,741, took 17 hours and 29 minutes on “multiple airlines,” with two stops. The first offered 4 hours and 50 glorious minutes in beautiful Newark, New Jersey (ha!). And then, another quick stop of an hour and 20 minutes at . . . not sure I’m reading this right . . . Gdynia, Poland? Not Warsaw, not Krakow. Gdynia. Where the hell is that? I looked it up, and — not surprisingly — it’s close to Gdansk. I assume it has at least one runway, but I’ll just say . . . g’day.

So then I thought, maybe it’s true that you get what you pay for, and decided to check the most expensive of all the flights I found: $6,092, also on “multiple” (unnamed) airlines. Surely there must be advantages to paying more. But this one inexplicably took longer: 21 hours and 24 minutes, with nearly 5 hours in lovely Newark, and 3 hours and 25 minutes in Warsaw. It’s Poland again, but at least it’s the capital city. Still, why is this flight so expensive? The schedule certainly isn’t any better. And it’s still economy class. Maybe the food? A little kielbasa with some pierogi wouldn’t be bad, but not really worth the extra cost.

There’s also one for just $2,516 on American Airlines that takes you to Chicago for a 7-hour stopover, then a quick up-and-down to Madison, Wisconsin for another couple of hours on the ground, and apparently non-stop from there. Yet another flight goes via Boston with an 8-hour stop in Dublin, Ireland. And there’s one through JFK (6 hours to kill there) and Rome, Italy. By the way, I’ve been through the Rome Airport when there was an all-out security alert because of some Middle East problem and they searched my bags because I was traveling from Moscow to Washington and . . . well, suffice it to say, I’ll pass on all of these.

In all fairness, I did find three non-stops, at mid-range price, out of Washington-Dulles — some 600 miles from Savannah. But first I’d have to get to Savannah Airport, change planes at Charlotte (North Carolina), and try to connect at Dulles. Or drive to Jacksonville and . . . Oh, just forget it.

*. *. *

By this time, as you can well imagine, I’m too tired to travel. In fact, I may not make it to the kitchen for lunch. So, after all of this research, I’m afraid my R.S.V.P. is going to have to read:

“Regrets. I just can’t get there from here.”

TTFN,
Brendochka
9/19/23