Who hasn’t, at one time or another — maybe while watching a bunch of kids running around the playground, or standing over our own children sleeping the peaceful sleep of the innocent in their beds at night — wished we could leave the cares and the turmoil of this world behind and be that age again? Be honest, now . . . you have, haven’t you? And you’ve thought how great that would be!

Or would it? A lot depends on whether you’d rather go back to the decades of your own childhood, or be a child of today. So let’s compare, using my early years way back in the 1940s as a frame of reference.

*. *. *

1945: Me: “Mommy, can I go outside and play?” Mom: “Okay, but stay in the yard; dinner will be ready soon. And don’t forget your sweater.”

2023: Me: “Mommy, I’m bored. Can I have a play date with Brianna?” Mom: “Not now, dear; there’s no time to schedule it. And dinner will be ready soon. Why don’t you play your new Dungeons and Dragons game until then.”

*. *. *

1945: Me: “Mommy, can I have a party for my birthday next week?” Mom: “Of course, honey. We’ll have cake and ice cream, and play tag, and hide-and-seek, and pin-the-tail-on-the-donkey.”

2023: Me: “Mommy, can I have a party for my birthday next week?” Mom: “I’m way ahead of you, kiddo. I’ve already booked the big party room at the club, hired the D.J., and gone over the menu with the caterer.”

*. *. *

1945: Me: “Mommy, I want to listen to some of my music.” Mom: “Okay, I’ll put this record on the Victrola and wind it up for you.”

2023: Me: “Mommy, I’m bored with all my music.” Mom: “Well, why don’t you just download some more.”

*. *. *

1945: Me: “Mommy, my tummy hurts and I just threw up.” Mom: “Oh, that’s not good. Let’s get you into bed and call Dr. Jones to come to the house right away.”

2023: Me: “Mommy, my tummy hurts and I just threw up.” Mom: “Oh, crap! Another trip to the E.R.”

*. *. *

1945: Me: “Mommy, can you help me with my arithmetic?” Mom: “Sure, honey. Let’s work on your “eights” table. Eight plus two equals what?”

2023: Me: “Mommy, can you help me with my math?” Mom: “You’re kidding, right? I have no idea of how to do that. Ask your Dad.”

*. *. *

1945: Me: “Mommy, my teacher smacked my hand with a ruler today because I talked out of turn.” Mom: “Well, I’m sure you won’t be doing that again, will you?”

2023: Me: “Mommy, my teacher told me to sit down and be quiet today.” Mom: “Oh, really? What right does she have to treat you like that? She’ll be lucky to have a job when I finish with her.”

*. *. *

1945: Me: “Mommy, I don’t like meat loaf.” Mom: “Sorry, baby, but that’s what I made for dinner. Eat up now, and we’ll have something different tomorrow.”

2023: Me: “Mommy, I don’t like meat loaf.” Mom: “Fine, I’ve got some Ramen noodles you can have instead.”

*. *. *

1945: Me: “Mommy, guess what — a nice man smiled at me and said hello when I was outside.” Mom: “That’s nice, dear. Did you smile back at him?”

2023: Me: “Mommy! Mommy! Stranger danger! A man just smiled at me outside!” Mom: “Omigod! Lock the doors, and I’ll call the police. What did the pervert look like?”

*. *. *

1945: Me: “Mommy, Billy threw mud at me.” Mom: “Well, did you do something to make him angry?”

2023: Me: “Mommy, Derek threw mud at me.” Mom: “Oh, he did, did he? Well, I’ll call our lawyer tomorrow and sue the little bast**d’s parents for every cent they’re worth!”

*. *. *

1945: Me: “Mommy, I have a new penpal in Russia! Isn’t that exciting?” Mom: “Yes, it is. Now you can learn all about another culture.”

2023: Me: “Mommy, this guy called “Best Buddy” wants to friend me on Facebook.” Mom: “Oh, no . . . he’s blocked. What have I told you about that?!!”

*. *. *

1945: Me: “Mommy, can we go see the new Disney movie?” Mom: “We’ll have to do that on Saturday; it’s only in the theater for one week, you know.”

2023: Me: “Mommy, I’ve seen every movie that’s streaming on Netflix. What do I do now?” Mom (finally running out of patience): “Have you ever thought about reading a book, you little s**t?”

*. *. *

1945: Me: “Mommy, I’ve read all the books we got from the library.” Mom: “Good girl. We’ll go back tomorrow to return them and get some new ones.”

2023: Me: “Read a book? Seriously?” Mom: “Well, excuse me! I must have been out of my mind to even suggest it.”

*. *. *

1945: Me: “Mommy, what language do they speak in Brazil?” Mom: “Here’s the World Book Encyclopedia. Let me show you how to look that up.”

2023: Me: “Mommy, what language do they speak in Brazil?” Mom: “Your teacher says you need to do your own research. Ask Siri.”

*. *. *

1945: Me: “Mommy, are you sure the war is really over?” Mom: “Yes, absolutely sure. Now you sleep tight, and have sweet dreams. We’re all perfectly safe.” Me: “Good night, Mommy. I love you.” Mom: “I love you too, sweetheart.”

2023: Me: “Mommy, the teacher said something scary today about global warming. Do you know about that?” Mom: “Yes, and it’s just another urban legend. Nothing for you to worry about. Go to sleep now.” Me: “But, Mommy . . .” Mom: “That’s enough talk about that. Good night. I love you.”

*. *. *

1945: Mom (to Dad, later that evening): “Let me tell you the cute things the kids did today.”

2023: Mom (to Dad, later that evening): “What a day! Thank God the kids are finally asleep! Where the hell did you hide the vodka?”

*. *. *

Most of you probably don’t go back as far as the ‘40s, but I think you can relate. I wouldn’t mind revisiting those years, but to be a kid in today’s world . . . not for me, thank you. New math, stranger danger, climate change, cyber-stalking . . . It’s not easy, for the kids or the parents. I wish you patience, understanding, and lots of luck and love. Meanwhile, I’ll keep reminiscing.

Just sayin’ . . .

Brendochka
8/7/23